Stormy weather in my head.

I don't really know what to think right now.

On the one hand, I had this amazing night yesterday/today.

But on the other hand, all these things are coming back into my head,

taking over again.

And I know I have to fight them.

And I know I want to fight them but I just don't feel strong enough to stand it.

I'm sorry.

This is the life.

Thank you so much, my lovely girls.
I had such a wonderful, amazing, gorgeous evening.
I don't even know what to say.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm really glad to have you all.
You are... like my reason to live.
Thanks for that. Thanks for always being there for me.
Thanks for everything.

I really love you.

And deep inside I hope that someday someone will come and take me 

AWAY 

from here.

The youth is in love with the death.

And MAYBE I am not as strong as you all thought.

Isn't it strange to NOT be you inside your own body?
To always fight against yourself?
And YOU are always the one who's loosing.
'Cause there is no other enemy.

What if I wouldn't have her?

Staying strong is harder than I thought.

I'm so sorry.
You are the only one I really love.
I always want to be with you.
Please don't leave me.

Lost.

Lost in myself.
Looking for an angel to take me away.

Alone.

Dear God...

Amen...

Pretending.

And it's again like a deep stitch in my heart.
I don't really know what to feel, what to think right now.
I was really looking forward to that day.
And now it's all gone.
I had such a wonderful plan for that day.
It really would have been perfect.
I guess she really would have been happy about it.
But now....no matter.

No, it's okay for me. It is. It is. It is.
Pretending something isn't as easy as I thought.
I'm afraid of today evening.
I'm fucking afraid.
Actually I wasn't but NOW!
Now I am....

Demons.

They know now!

And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry.

Because for as long as I've known, they've been chasing me and now they're ready,

now they're strong enough to break through. 

And I can't fight them. 

I used to be able to when I was strong but...

You've made me weak.

And now I can't, I can't!

FAIL.

I thought I could be strong
but it's killing me.

I think I'm going crazy.
I feel like.... I really wanna jump down a bridge, in front of a car.
Wanna cut open my arms.
Wanna....
I JUST WANT TO DIE.
I don't know why. I can't define that feeling.
It's like a fire inside, a seething vulcano.
And it really wants to come out.
I tried to oppress it for such a long time.
But it's getting stronger and stronger...
I know I can't stand this feeling any longer.
But I know I have to. I'm not allowed to cut.
But I don't know how to endure all this otherwise.

FAT BITCH.

I hate myself.
I really would like to cut my whole arms.
I am so fucking fat and disgusting.
I wanna die, right now.
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never be what I always wanted to be.

PLEASE, DEAR GOD, JUST LET ME GO AWAY.
LET ME DIE!

You are my kind of beautiful.

 I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU.

Fun fair.

Had an actually quite good day.
Went to the fair with a friend, even if it was raining.
And we were sitting in this ride and just laughing.
We were actually wet and also a bit freezing but we just didn't care because we had so much fun.
It was such a good feeling, it was like flying.
I was free, for just this short moment.
And it felt great.

Only two days left until my best best friend in this whole world, my love, my life, my heart is arriving.
I'm really looking forward to spend the weekend and the time with her.
'Cause it's quite a long time since we saw each other last time.

This one's for you.

I Love You, My Loveliest. 
And I Always Will.
"Keep Holding On
'Cause You Know We'll Make It Through."

Done.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.
Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. ME. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear. Fat. Fear.

And I am not sure, if I can be strong enough right now.

Strong enough to stand the feeling and my inner pressure.
Help. I wanna leave my body NOW and come back, when I feel better. Please.

I really miss you.

And I can't wait until friday. ♥

Gone.

I wanna go back to those days.