She's obsessed with it.

That burning, stinging feeling she gets
when the blade cuts into her flesh.
It's at that exact moment that she forgets all her emotional plain.
and focuses strictly on destroying herself.

What you see might not be what it really is.

Smells like iron in here. Blood smells like iron.

It's the same shit every day.
The same thoughts, the same voices, the same things to do, the same things not to do,
the same, the same, the same.
And it's all this that just makes me want to just off a bridge, be run over by a train, cut me open.
All these things make me want to leave this world.
Every day.
Every fucking day.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry I couldn't 

make you any 

prouder of me.

I'm sorry I didn't 

turn out the way 

you wanted me to be.

I'm sorry that 

I'm a disappointment 

to you.

I was in the darkness, so darkness I became.

It's gonna be quite easy, okay?

For those I love, I will sacrifice.

I promise, it will be easier when I'm gone.

Maybe?

Soon today will be a long time ago
Today I am in hell, but the moon will be swallowed by the sun
and tomorrow I might be in heaven.

Hello, big fat fatness!!!

You are NOT welcome, you bloody walrus.
Leave. We ALL hate you here.

Fear of Freedom.

I got tagged by Laura. THANKS A LOT!

Her questions are:

1. Where would you like to travel?    

         -I think I'd like to go to Iceland and Australia.

2. What are you doing to loose the most weight in the shortest period of time?

         -Sorry, I really don't wanna talk about that. You should loose it the healthy way!

3. What is your attitude towards food? 

         -I think you should try to make it a normal part of your life. 

4. What's your favorite book?

         -Level 26 by Anthony Zuiker

5. What will you be like in five years?

         -Hopefully not alive anymore. But IF, then I want to be studying by that time

          hopefully sign language interpreter.

6. How are you feeling at the moment, both mental and physical?

         -It used to be quite good but since my accident, it became really bad again.

7. Do you drink a lot of alcohol?

         -No, not really. Sometimes on parties but not regular.




I'm not tagging anyone... I really can't think of anything at the moment. But maybe I will make it up for that later some day. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry about the links that currently appear here on my blog.

I think it's because I have this "email blogging" and my email account is being kinda crazy at the moment. It's sending strange links to everyone in my contact list and I have NO idea where it comes from.

ANYONE? Does anyone know what it might be??
I would really appreciate if someone could help me.

Thanks a lot all my little fighters!!

Associations.

The moment you see a blade and your first thought is cut.
The moment you see a flame and your first thought is burn.
The moment you're up high and your first thought is jump.
The moment you see medicine and your first thought is how many it would take to overdose.
The moment you are in a crowded room and your first thought is I'm all alone.
The moment you wake up and your first thought is I can't take this anymore.

Weight.

My current weight is socially acceptable only among the walrus population.

Dip Dye. Dip Dye. Dip Dye. LOVE IT!

Unfortunately you can see it a bit better in real life, but...what ever!

Cut.

In the beginning it's just, "I'll cut to release my emotional pain."
And then it turns to, "Do I cut to release my emotional pain
or do I cut for the last time ending all of the pain for good?"

Material. If only it would be enough.

Got my package from Mytheresa.com today. Just love it.
Ooooh and I dip-dyed my hair today.
Leave a comment if you want to see a picture of it.

He's my hero.

He's always there for me.
He feels when I feel bad, he never leaves me.
I know that he is the truest friend I ever had.
Him and my loveliest horses.
I might sound like a superfreak now, but I know that they will always be there.
"Dogs are the only creatures that love you more than themselves."

Flashbacks.

Get this shit out of my head!!

Wooden heart.

Thank you, world! You're showing me that I'm worth so less.
Time is money and costs nerves only.
Curious, what kind of shit happens, when all you think
That belongs to you, collapses and dies.
I imagine that there is love and it's waiting now
locked under the ice, hoping for its last breath.
Do you know it, this voice, saying "Looser!"
And you put the blade to your arm.
I see myself, my heart, that beating shit.
It's calling "Flag down the world, I wanna jump off!"
Please, someone show me the way,
I've lost my compass, was going in circles.
Hot and paralyzed, everything's going ahead slowly.
Hope is being caught in barbed wire and chains.
Heart of gold, heart of pride, evolved into a black soul,
Heart of wood.

Stay! Please, stay, keep silent!
I have to show you something, it's down there really deep.
A step, a sight, a thought, a blade, a tear, a hand,
A cut.

So young, so fragile, so tender, so merciless, so brute, so strong.
Thank you, world! I am empty, everything's out.
The last drop in the tank for the final applause.

Still shaking...

Oh my God..... I just had an experience I never had before.

I cut and then, out of nothing, the blood was pulsating out of my arm, really in a powerful stream. I was so shocked. I never had this before.

I bet a lot of you are now like "Oh gosh, she's such a baby, it's nothing special."

But I was really....afraid for a moment. It all shot on my pants and my pullover cause it was in a total different direction than I supposed because it was so powerful, like a fountain. 

I was really shocked, it wasn't even a big cut...

And for a moment I was really thinking of asking my mummy for help.

My heart started to beat so fast, my arms and legs were weak. So I decided to just lie on my bed, trying to calm myself down... It worked and after a lot of blood, the flow stopped.

I am still shaking...

No. No one.

It could be so easy.

Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. 

Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. 

Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. 

Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. 

It's in my head all day. I need it. I don't want it but I really need it!

And I really can't stand all these thoughts anymore.
I know I won't be here for so much longer now...

I got a blogaward.... Again!!! :)

I got tagged by Loveliest Laura <3
Thanks a looooooot!

So here are my facts:

1. When I grow up, I either wanna be a psychotherapist or an interpreter for sign language.
2. I am a permanent leg-mover.
3. I don't like mainstream clothes, there is NO way I would buy anything at H&M except of basics. I also don't like mainstream music by the way.
4. There is nothing that I love more than my horses. Even the heavy accident I had a week ago can stop me from riding.
5. Reading is what I love the most, even more than watching a movie.
6. I think I have the most special dogs in the world, in character.
7. Forget about point 1. - 6. All I wanna do is leave this world and die. It's just to keep my world built out of lies alive.


And I give the blogawards to:

Cass. I love you, my little heart. And I need you!
My lovely Libby <3
Most beautiful Rebecca
Emaschi cause she knows how it feels like!!
Laura! <3 (IDGAF I'll tag you back)
Little Missing Angel
Becca for having such a beautiful blog

Stay strong, all my little fighters out there! I know you can do it.
Don't stop believing in yourself. It WILL get better, never loose hope!

I hate....

I hate the feeling when you really don't have any emotions.
You feel so empty.
You're not happy. You're not sad. You're nothing.
When your mind is spinning, but you can't feel anything.

And nobody notices that it's killing me....

Having everything you ever want in a material way isn't "A Good Life".

Being able to have anything you want, doesn't make you happy.

My mother used to say "I always wonder why you're 'sick', I mean you can have it all but it seems like it's not enough. Other girls would love to live like you."

I know... But I can't change.