What's the matter with you?
         - Nothing.

Nothing slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say, surprised, in the way that they are forever surprised, "But there was nothing the matter with her."

Mind-Puke in the evening. Enjoy.

Waking up in the morning gets harder every day. First thing to do: Feel your bones. Are they still there? Are they still standing out? They do? Fine. Next step: The way to the scale. It feels like my everyday walk to my own execution. Was I good enough? I knew I could have purged more, fuck. I know it. I hate that there is lunch with everyone, together, at one table. There is no way out. And now I will see all my bad behavior in just a number. Let me die. I don't want to see it. I don't. I have to because the number decides on what will happen today, on how I'll feel today. Lost some weight? Fine. Good girl. Put on weight? You know what that means? No food at all, you have to get around lunch today. More sport today, more work. Do it! You know you have to get rid of all this fat. You have to. This is part one of my day. 
But there is still part two and it goes like this:
This is what you call good work? This is kinda good enough, you sayin'? I don't think so. You will never be able to do it right. What about if you just decide to jump off that bridge tonight? That bridge where you always stop during your inline skating tour. I know how often you thought about just letting go. Sitting on the guard rail, now just spread your arms. You can fly, finally! Go for it.
CUT. Next scene. 
Have you ever thought about that there is no one how really cares? No one? Nobody sees you, you're invisible! Invisible even to your mom. She will never see you, she will never see who you really are. You have to make her notice you. And you know how this works, right? Lose your fucking weight. Lose all the fat on your body, get skinny. She will see you! She will finally notice you! It will be too late then maybe, but wasn't it worth it? I think so.
CUT. Next scene.
Thinking of the future, will it get better? I am so afraid, all these fears in my head. When they start to get in my head at night, it feels like dying. Starting to cry, hysterically. Paranoia. They will come and kill me. Loss of control. I don't want them to take over control. And I don't want these thoughts. I can fight them, I know I can... for now. But I know that they get stronger and that I get weaker every day. And one day they will be stronger than me. And then it will be over.
The day on which they get stronger than I am will be the day when I'll leave this cruel world.
Until then it's just waiting.

I'm just in love.

In love with Gossip Girl.
I always thought I'd hate it because... everybody loved it. But today I started to watch it and I'm totally into it. It was definitely worth my time.
Is anybody of you watching Gossip Girl?
Oh... And another thing: I LOVE Taylor Momsen as Jenny and I LOVE Blairs styling, just sayin'.

Paranoia.

I feel it when they talk behind my back. I know that they talk about how fat I've become. Some of them know about my eating habits and they will say things like "Eeew, did you know she's anorexic? She doesn't even look like one." "She is so fat, how could she possibly ever have an eating disorder?" "She just eats normal, I think she wants attention. She's such a whore." I can feel them saying it, I can hear them saying it and I can feel their looks all over me.

And they are right. I am fat. Disgustingly fat.

I just want it to end.

I wish I could go back to a normal life. A life where you're in school, where you complain about too much homework. A life where you meet your friends after school, go shopping, have fun. A life where you have to learn for tests, you hate it but you do it anyways because you want to achieve something in school, in life.
I wish I would be at that point. All I do right now is work, eat and purge. There is nothing else in my life. I've got no friends because all I do is work. I eat all day, I am as fat as a person can be and I really mean it. I am fat and I get fatter every day. And I purge. I purge so much, it disgusts myself.
I needwanthave to die. 

And the fact is...

... I am oh so done.

... I am tired of feeling.

... I am tired of breathing.

... I am tired of trying so hard. 

... I am just simply tired of living.

... And I am tired of loving.

I am just fucking tired of this whole fucking shit life. Let me die tonight. Please!

Maybe the only thing I am good at is destroying myself.

From the outside looking in, you can't understand it.
From the inside looking out, you can't explain it.

Everyday life.