Sick and tired of trying...

I am so empty at the moment and everyone is like "Oh, you sound so much better since you're at this internship thing."
I seem to get better at acting. Or maybe it's cause I don't see them that often now.
I don't know.
The only thing I can say is that I am not better after all. Not a little bit.
The Problem ist, nobody would understand if I'd tell them, nobody would believe me
cause everything is "sooooo much better now".
Yes, everything's really good. Everything's good, I'm super fine.
I am "healthy" again, they fixed me, for sure.
It was so easy to make you believe I am fine. Everyone believed me. Everything's good, I am smiling, so everything's gotta be good again.
On the outside...
Isn't it strange that the outside doesn't tally with the inside at all?
That nobody notices this faked smile?
That nobody recognizes, how much I disgust myself, how much I hate that my jeans are tight again cause I have to eat so that everybody believes in my lies?
That nobody recognizes that I can't handle the fact that I get fatter and fatter each day, that it tears me apart?
That nobody sees how I have to torture me so that my feelings won't burst out of me and that I don't start crying out of nothing cause I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross, shabby bitch.
Isn't it strange that nobody sees how I really feel?!
I can't bear that anymore.
Really. I am sorry but I can't.
Someday it will burst out of me and everybody will be thinking that I am crazy cause "everything was sooo good."
Yeah, cause nobody understands.
"Oh, it's nothing. Everything is fine." This will be my response. I can promise.
"Everything's fine", just like always. Everything's normal, everything's good, for sure.
Everything's like everyday... like always....