SUICIDE.

This word caught your attention, right?
It always catches peoples attention.
But all the signs that show up before a suicide happens,
all the things suicidal people show, these are the signs that nobody notices.

Lately it has been kinda strange inside me. I noticed a big change. I feel really distanced to all the people around me. I feel that I by myself built up the walls and I won't let anyone in. The strange thing is, in former times the person I distanced the most from was my mother. And right now it's more like my mum is the person I get the closest to. I feel that I made a lot of mistakes concerning our relationship and I really feel that I need to change it. Cause she is my mummy and I love her so much. I don't want to hurt her, I never wanted to. Now I am trying to make it all better, I am trying to be a better daughter. I want her to love me, I want her to love me cause she really feels it and not because she kinda has to cause I am her child.
The distance to all the other people is growing more and more. I feel alone. Fucking alone. Even though there are a lot of people around me. I feel that there is no one who understands, I feel cold all the time. Not because of the actual temperature but because I feel lost. I feel like falling into a deep hole. You can see the walls, it's a stony well and you see that there would be the chance to grab hold of it but you just can't. Your arms are to short to reach it and you also feel that there will be no use to it cause you are ways to weak. So you better just keep falling.
You decide to let yourself fall into the deep. Your risk is to die but you just don't care anymore because you know that there will be no other chance.
Wow, that was a long metaphor. What I wanted to say is that I feel that there is no one around me, no one to grab so I won't fall into death. And it is all my fault cause I am the one who does not want to see those people, those walls, and who does not want to grab it.
I wish there would be people. People who wouldcould make it stop. People who would grab my arms and keep me from falling.Cause there is a point in the well from which you can't be saved anymore. It's the point where it is too deep for anyone to still reach it.
It's the point where it will all end. And I feel like being really close to it.
I am loosing my mind.