Stuff going on... Something's moving, finally.

There happened a lot. I had an appointment with my therapist on monday, she was really worried about me or whatever I would possibly do to myself because I told her this "three parts"-thing (the first thing I really told her about since a long, long time). Her first intention was to directly admit me to the hospital but I was able to talk her out of it, fortunately. So I told her I will be fine until thursday, which means today. So we had another appointment today where I told her that I never wanna be inpatient in the adult-unit again. All these grown-ups, these "old people" make me so afraid. They make me think that I might never be able to make it out of this. When I see them I wonder, why they aren't happy now, why they don't live a fulfilled life. And if they didn't make it until now, how should I ever be able to do so? So then her idea was that she was gonna ask the senior doctor of the adolescent psychiatry if they would take me even though I am at least a little bit to old for the "young section". But because they already know me, she was hoping that it might work. But the senior doctor is on vacation so I need to wait 'til monday until I'll get to know anything; if I might go there or not. I told her that in no way I will go somewhere else. Either way they'll take me or I will just continue to live like that, maybe die someday through suicide, but I will never ever go to the adult section!!
And if I should be true right now, I really hope that I will be able to go there... Living makes me be afraid of life but death makes it even worse. I don't wanna die before I really started to live. So maybe this will be my last chance...