News. News.

At first I am really sorry for not posting for such a long time, but actually it's summerbreak and so I am out of town and I don't really have time for posting.
But I thought I HAVE to post something for today.
'Cause otherwise it won't be fair to my faithful readers.

There are 5!!!!!! of them already. Thank you sooo much, I am glad about every reader of my blog.

If you have any ideas or criticism or suggestions for making my blog better, just let me know.
I will do my very best to make it the way you like it more and more. :)

So my holidays till now are...kind of boring because it's the same every day.
I am actually at my trainers "farm" with my horses for training for the next competitions and so it's just riding everyday.
I guess it's not worth telling you about that.

And "the rest"....
well....I feel like a cow, can't stand that feeling.
I feel like I'm dying more and more from the inside.
And it's just my head and my body that is killing me.
It's not "living" anymore, it's just being there, here, around.
It's just my body and the mask, the video tape that is doing his job quite well and that is playing my role, playing the girl that I have once been.
And actually it's working really good. I haven't thought that it would be that easy, that nobody would ever recognize a thing.
Well, and now I am sitting here, writing to you, my lovely readers out there, and I just don't feel like I should. I feel like a different person. And I don't want to be that person. But I also don't want to be that fat fat fat fat fat fat fat thing, just hanging around, becoming more and more fat, maybe one day not even fitting into her jeans.
I don't want to be like that. And this thought is even stronger that the thought that I don't want to be that "fake person".
So this is the way I'm gonna live, as long as I can't stand the feeling of becoming fat, becoming even more fat than I am right now.


Molly's smile.

Though we're apart, her thoughts follow me.
Though we're apart, she's a part of me.


I say YES to:

Yes, you can say that I actually destroyed everything.

Yes, I am a fat cow.

Yes, I am egoistic and arrogant.

Yes, I don't deserve all these nice people around me.

Yes, I am a fucking crappy person.

Yes, I want to die.

The most important question of the day.

What are you living for if the most important thing in your life is gone?
The thing that gave you everything?
Power, love, sympathy?
If this thing was actually all you ever had and wanted in your whole life?


I want you to know that
I miss you every single second a day.
I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could look you in the eyes and just see that everything is alright.
I wish I could just be in your arms and know that we can do anything if we just want it.
I wish I would know that it will never be the same.
I can't do this anymore.
I fought so hard for that and now, in just one day, I destroyed everything.
I have the feeling that all my work, my really hard work of the last days is just gone, blown away with the wind, with the food, with the fat, with everything.
I don't wanna live like that anymore.
But I don't know how to stop it.


And it always feels like these little monsters under your bed.
You are not able to see them
But you know that they are near.

Once there was a person who was able to send all these monsters away.
And even if she wasn't able to send them away, she told me that everything will be okay.

But now, she is gone.
And the monsters are growing, each day.
They are getting bigger and bigger and there is nothing left to do than
Hoping for an angel to come, hoping for death to come.
She might suspect it, but she remains calm, collected.
Trying to focus, becoming aware of her situation.
She closes the door and stays in this cold, grey room.


What a wonderful day.


I've worked for so long...and now...I finally saw this good friend again. 
'Cause always when we nearly met, something happened and we were torn apart.
But now she is there and I am as glad as I haven't been for quite a long time.
Thank you so much....bitch.

And things are gone with the wind.


Do you remember this picture?

We used to say "you and me forever until the end and ways longer".

What happened?
That's all I am thinking about these days.
I can't think of anything else.
To die and part is a less evil,
But to part and live, there, there is the torment.
        - George Lansdowne

Every parting i a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven.
        - Tyron Edwards

Can miles truly separate you form friends... ?
If you want to be with someone you love,
aren't you already there?
        - Richard Bach



Keep holding on 
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.
Just stay strong
'cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.
There's nothing you could say
nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth.
So keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.

I miss you more than everything else in this whole world.
You are my heart, you are my soul, you change everything.
And I want you to know: I love you.
You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me.


Tender Sincere.

I heard an unfamiliar voice today,
She spoke with such tender sincere.
Asking me if I needed help,
That she would always be here.

The voice so kind and tender brought
such comfort to my fears.
Just hearing such a voice so soft,
I knew she had to be holding me near.

She told me not to worry,
that she'd always be with me.
No matter what my troubles are,
No matter how severe.

So if you hear the voice to tender,
In your time of fears.
Your burdens will be lighter and your
fears will disappear.

Just hold on tight to that voice,
So tender and sincere.
And know that she means it when
she tells you she is near.