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No words for my happiness right now!!


Psych ward

Inpatient and 5th day without food.

Sorry for not blogging so much at the moment.
I'm in the psych ward now, closed section. And I have an absolutely awesome committal which keeps me here until they think I am ready to go...
Fuck my life.
I really need to get outta here!
Hope you are all okay. I am trying to keep you updated, but until I'm out here there will only be these ugly text posts...
Stay strong, beauties!!


I will always love you, mum.

You think I do this for attention?!

If I cut for attention, do you really think I'd hide it from everybody for 3 years? If I cut myself for attention, do you think I'd be risking my relationship when I cut? If I cut for attention, do you think I'd be trying to get help for it? If I cut for attention, do you really think I make up lies like "my cat cut me"? If I cut myself for attention, do you really think I'd so something so (sometimes) painful just for attention?If I starved myself for attention, do you really think I'd lie about eating and being hungry? If I starved myself for attention, do you really think I'd be trying to get help? If I purge for attention, do you really think I'd go through hell just to throw up? If I purge for attention, do you really think I'd lie about why I'm in the bathroom for so long? If I attempted suicide for attention, do you really think I'd risk my life?
If I attempt suicide, it's because I couldn't kill the monster inside me, it wasn't for attention. If I cut myself, it's because I'm hurting, really badly. If I starve myself, it's because I feel fat and just want to be skinny. If I purge, it's because I can't stand having food in my stomach; I wouldn't go through all this hell just for attention!

Thanks God, it's all gonna end soon.

You call this a life? No, not anymore.
And I want it to stop. I want to leave and never come back.
I found closure with my life and that it won't get better now.
And that's okay, really. I am totally able to handle that. I'm fine with it.
And I know that it's gonna happen.


What a peaceful moment.

Close your eyes before you hit the ground. Works the best when it's quiet around you.
Most peaceful thing I experienced in the last weeks.
Fly. And. Die.

Being let down and not being understood is all I seem to experience these days.

Thanks for making my decision easier.
I'm not scared, not anymore. Finally.


You're a victim of your own mind.

This whole life is one fucking trigger!!!

There is only one thing I wish for... 
Let me die tonight. Finally.


Every time I see an ambulance, it fucking triggers me.
I wish I would be in there. Dead or close to death, doesn't matter.
Someone actually caring.

I'm sorry.


Let's act normal, let's do an "Outfit Of The Day"-Post.

Are you, my amazing readers, interested in stuff like that?

Jacket- Hugo Boss, Blouse- Vero Moda, Jeans- Cheap Monday, Shoes- Doc Martens, Bag- Michael Kors 


Tu as mon cœur, pour toujours...

Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

I will miss you forever.

I could be found, I could be what you had saved.

You make me feel, and I really missed that.
I missed you through all the time and I am more than glad that you're back.
Back in my life. When I am with you, I can feel my heart, I can feel it beat in my chest.
And it's the only time of the day, week, year when I really want to live.

Kill off all my demons and my angels might die, too.

When you truly hate yourself, there's no being talked out of it.
No amount of "no, you're pretty" or "don't do it, you're loved" can snap you out of it.
Because when it comes down to it, they all feel like lies. Then you don't know who to trust or who to turn to. That's what hate is like.

I'll lie und you'll believe.

So hard to stay alive. Every day is a fight, over and over again.
Having a meeting with both my therapists, both are telling me that they actually can't let me go like this, when I feel like I do right now, when I can't promise that I'll come back next time. But both are letting me go anyways.
And you know why? Cause I am lying. All the time. And manipulating.
I am telling them that I can't promise to stay alive until next week. This is the truth. I can't.
But when they finally get to the point, when they don't want to let me go anymore, I'm just switching my moods. I don't want them to lock me up somewhere. I want it to be my decision whether I wanna live or not. I don't want them to take over control.
I'm just telling them that I will stay strong until next time. Just staying serious. And it always works...
I am glad it does. But on the other hand I hate that it is so easy to lie, to get back control, to stay in control.
I wish there would be someone to save me. I'm dying.


I'm sad.

Depression is like one big, black hole. After it pulls you in, you can't get out.
So you spend countless nights crying yourself to sleep. You spend days in your room.
You feel like doing absolutely nothing. You're constantly hoping that things will get better, but also wondering if they ever actually will.
And the worst part? When you finally start to get happy again, depression pulls you back in. You crash harder than before.



I've made a photography blog where I put "all the pictures" I made with my camera.
Well, at least the good ones of them.
Maybe you wanna take a look?
MVP Photography
There you go. Have fun and maybe tell me if you like them or not.

Thanks, loveliest.


The razor blades call me.

They scream my name over and over. 
They beckon me to come, use them, just one more time.
To let the blood flow, to paint a picture on my skin that will last forever.
They scream at me to let the warm blood cover them.
I bite my lip and cling onto something, hoping, wishing to get away from the addiction
that took over my life.

"Na da hast du ja aber mal ordentlich hingelangt."  
Danach Stille und mein Arzt setzt sich erstmal.  


By the way...

Is it just because I buildt it up for like 2 hours that I love my new closet so much?

Opinions? Maybe? Anyone?

Fat piece of shit. You could as well say: ME!

Nothing's working out anymore.
What I got for Christmas this year? Fat, I got fat! Nothing more...
Need to get back on track. Quite fast!
Gonna see my doctor and the therapist from the inpatient treatment this week, my "home therapist" by next week. Can't go there as the fat cunt I am right now... Just CAN'T!!