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Donnerstag

Stuff going on... Something's moving, finally.

There happened a lot. I had an appointment with my therapist on monday, she was really worried about me or whatever I would possibly do to myself because I told her this "three parts"-thing (the first thing I really told her about since a long, long time). Her first intention was to directly admit me to the hospital but I was able to talk her out of it, fortunately. So I told her I will be fine until thursday, which means today. So we had another appointment today where I told her that I never wanna be inpatient in the adult-unit again. All these grown-ups, these "old people" make me so afraid. They make me think that I might never be able to make it out of this. When I see them I wonder, why they aren't happy now, why they don't live a fulfilled life. And if they didn't make it until now, how should I ever be able to do so? So then her idea was that she was gonna ask the senior doctor of the adolescent psychiatry if they would take me even though I am at least a little bit to old for the "young section". But because they already know me, she was hoping that it might work. But the senior doctor is on vacation so I need to wait 'til monday until I'll get to know anything; if I might go there or not. I told her that in no way I will go somewhere else. Either way they'll take me or I will just continue to live like that, maybe die someday through suicide, but I will never ever go to the adult section!!
And if I should be true right now, I really hope that I will be able to go there... Living makes me be afraid of life but death makes it even worse. I don't wanna die before I really started to live. So maybe this will be my last chance...


And she'll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is.


One, two, three - then you're dead.

She walks through her life as a shadow, forever feeling on the brink of death.
The look of desperation on her eyes goes unnoticed my all; she goes unnoticed by all,
But thank God because if she can't be beautiful she wants to be invisible.


Montag

The three parts.

There are three parts in me, you could say three different person.

First one is kinda like a witch, the monster, the evil voice. She got green eyes, glowing in the dark and she decides on what is going on inside my head. She decides on the hate, my thoughts about living or dying, on what I eat or not.
And this voice would do anything that is in her power to see me die. You don't deserve to be happy.  Everyone would be better off without you.  You made ways too many mistakes, no one will ever like you. Just look around, you got NO ONE!
She is always showing me possibilities to kill myself, every minute of the day, in every smallest thing you could find. Even if it was only a string to hold the straw together, maybe a tree, a stone on the wayside, just anything. And she really got powerful. She is telling me to do things, to say things that I never would. If I am mean to other people, it's mostly her. With it I don't want to apologize all the mistakes that I made but what I'm trying to say is, it's not always me. She is always in my mind, always making me do things, say things. And she will only leave me alone when I am all hers. When I stop listening to others. Or when I am finally dead.
Thereby we are getting to the other parts of me. Well, let's say: When all my mind is a 100%, then this evil voice, the witch has got 65% of me.

The second person... It looks like a real human. But more like a person standing in the fog. You can see its contours but you can't see its face, its expression. Because it doesn't have one in this case. It has no face, it is blank. It is only a shadow, the shadow of the evil voice. It believes in every word the witch is saying and it would do anything she is telling it to do because it is only a shadow. A shadow can't be powerful enough to fight such a strong person like the witch. But the shadow learned to life with its fate and accepts it. The life as a shadow, taking orders for others.
The shadow is always there for others, even when it doesn't feel good or strong. Even when it feels like the world is crashing. It is always there. Because it isn't oblivious of its needs.
It is only waiting for orders from the evil voice. The voice knows exactly how much pain the shadow feels when she is putting it into such a situation. But this is what she wants. She wants the shadow to feel pain, she wants the shadow to completely forget about itself.
When the shadow is thinking about telling someone about its feelings, the witch starts to shout at it. You are NOT allowed to tell anyone, you don't deserve this, you are a nobody, so shut your ugly mouth, go away, go somewhere where no one will ever find you and die! Nobody should know how much power I really have over you, nobody should know that you are slowly becoming me, you are becoming the evil voice. 
This shadow is about 25%, makes a total of 90% by now. But there is still the third part.

The third part...is the good one. The good one, she is a fairy. She looks a bit like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan. She is glowing, she is the light. Her light might not be so strong but sometimes she can make it through the darkness and starts to shine, to light up the room for some time. But the slightest blast can make her disappear for a long long time.
She believes in me, she believes in that everything is gonna be okay, that I will be happy someday. But this little fairy has to fight, a lot. Against the powerful witch, against the evil voice.
The fairy knows exactly that telling all this right know will get her and the shadow in big big trouble later but for know she is fighting to bring the story to light. The good part in me still believes in love, in happiness while the other 90% just exist of hate, anger, sorrow, self-doubt. But this side, the good side has become so weak, so small. It has become so hard for her to fight all these battles. She slowly starts to recognize that she hasn't got a chance. But something keeps her fighting, a really really small light in her heart keeps her alive. And she won't stop until the darkness has completely devour her.

This is what is inside me, the dark side has become so powerful, so strong and it is getting more and more each day. It makes me be afraid, the voice inside my head. I don't wanna die but living like this seems harder to me than to finally end it all. I am afraid that this voice will cover my whole soul and that I will become the evil voice.
I am afraid that it will be her, who will someday pull the razor too strong across my arm. That it will be her, who will someday make me walk one more step to the front when the train arrives. That it will be her, who will make me stop moving when the truck comes closer and closer.
She makes me afraid and I start to think that it would be easier if I would just let her win...


Sonntag

'Cause I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right,
When you're gone away.


Dienstag

Who will love a body covered with scars from careless mistakes, broken words and desperation?

No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one.





Montag

The devil is real. And he is not a little red man with horns and a tail.
He can be beautiful. Because he's a fallen angel, and he used to be God's favorite.


Everything will be okay. NOT.

        - Life will go on, don't be sad. Life was already moving on before we knew each other.

Yeah, right. Because we didn't know each other. But once you got to know someone, they will leave marks in your life. Some are bigger and some are smaller. Some marks are so small that you don't even notice them. And some of them have the size of a tornado. They bash you into a deep hollow and you won't make it from down there on your own. But as you're falling you recognize that you don't even want to be saved. Because up there everything will be destroyed and life wouldn't be the same anymore. Life maybe wouldn't even be possible. So you just let yourself fall.


Drawing by me



I'm really asking myself "Why didn't I just end it all yet?"
Mean, I have no one who is there. My best friend left, my other really close friend left, another one did, too. My father doesn't even know I exist. My ex-boyfriend thinks I'm a crazy stupid bitch or whatever. And my mother doesn't even know that it has come this far.
I have no one and it's all my fault. There is no one who would even notice that I'm gone.
Okay there is my mum and my granny, they would and I would be sorry for them because I really do love them but they would be better off without me. Everyone would be.
It really hurts to say something like that but unfortunately it's the truth.
No one would care. And it makes me feel kinda free. Because then no one would be sad.
They could just live their lives because they wouldn't have to see me, think about that I still exist. My mum wouldn't have to be worried anymore. Life would be wonderful for them.
Seems like this is gonna be the best decision I've ever made in my whole entire life.
I hope you're all proud of me.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die. 




Doesn't matter.

No matter what I do, what I try to think of, I think I will miss you forever.
You have always been my heart, my soul, my second self. This doesn't just "go away" because of this little conflict. And in my opinion it really was little in comparison to what we have been through. You really wanna throw it all away?
I can't.
No matter how hard I try.
It had a meaning for me when I send you this. I mean it. Forever and always.
I love you.