What's wrong with me?

It's like there is the devil inside me.
I hate nearly all the people around me.
Everything I hear, see, think makes me the most aggressive ever.
And unfortunately I also show it to these people.
The only person that never makes me aggressive and angry is my mummy.
It's just like hating everythingeveryoneallthisshit around and inside me.
I hate this life, MY life.
I hate ME!


Save me from the nothing I've become.

I can't feel a thing. I feel nothing, I am nothing.
I wish there was a feeling I could describe inside of myself.
That there was something inside me.
But there is just emptiness. And hate.
Hate against me, against my body. I'm going crazy cause of just the smallest things.
And I guess it's all just because of all the hate and angriness inside.
I wish I could be a better person.
That there was something I could be good at.
That there was something there for me to live for.
But I know that I am useless, this awkward waste of space.
And all those people would be better off without me.

I know that it will happen.
And I hope it will happen soon.



You don't want me, no
You don't need me
Like I want you, oh
Like I need you.

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life.

You can't see me, no
Like I see you.
I can't have you, no
Like you have me.

You can't feel me, no
Like I feel you.
I can't steal you, no
Like you stole me.

Just tonight

Here we are and I can't think from all the pills, hey
Start the car and take me home.
Here we are and you're too drunk to hear a word I say
Start the car and take me home.

Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight.

Here I am and I can't seem to see straight
But I'm too numb to feel right now.
Here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now.

Take me far away.
Take me to a place where I can forget you.
Take me to a place where I don't need you.

Cecilia was the first to go.

And I will be the one to go after her.


Never fall in love. Fall off a bridge, it hurts less!

You say...

You're not gonna fight
'Cause no one will fight for you.
You think
There's not enough love
And no one to give it to.
You're sure
You've hurt for so long
You've got nothing left to lose.
You say
You're not gonna fight
'Cause no one will fight for you.
You say
The weight of the world
Has kept you from letting go.
You think
Compassion's a fault
And you'll never let it show.
You're sure
You've hurt in a way
That no one will ever know.
Some day
The weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go.
Hold on
The weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go.

Oh when they come for me, I'll be gone.


Wicked games.

Bring your love, baby, I can bring my shame.
Bring the drugs, baby, I can bring my pain.
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here.
Bring the cups, baby, I can bring the drink.
Bring your body, baby, I can bring you fame.
And that's my motherfucking word, too
Just let me motherfucking love you.

Listen I'll give you all I got
I need all of this, I need confidence in myself.

So tell me you love me 
Only for tonight, only for tonight
Even though you don't love me.
Just tell me you love me 
Even though you don't love me.


Suicide is the most powerful scream.

Angels die.

And in a pipe she flies to the motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly.
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eyes and Hoping for a better life
This time, we'll fade out tonight
Straight down the line.

Why are you doing this to me?

I think back of when everything went well. There was a me and there was a you.
Then we met and soon there used to be a us.  I loved it, I loved you and you told me you loved me. You had been the first real love in my life, the first person I was able to talk to.
You had been there for me, you saved my life once that it nearly had come to an end.
I wished that you just would have let me die. It would have made all this easier.
Now there is just a me left. There is a you out there but you just went away. There is so much pain in my heart, I can't even explain it. I can't bear it anymore. I wish you would just explain to me what is wrong. I want you to let me know what is wrong with you, with us.
You didn't even tell me, you didn't even tell me that you can't do this no more. You're just not answering my messages and calls anymore. And this is what is killing me. You didn't even break up with me.
You saved my life once but you won't be able to save my life this time.
Because you are the reason for my end.

I wonder what it would be like to be breathtakingly beautiful.

I wonder what it would be like to be as light as a feather?
I wonder what it would be like to be skinny?
I wonder if I would feel different if I had another picture of perfect in my head?
I wonder why I am the way I am?
Will I ever change? Will I ever get rid of my sick thoughts?
Will I ever be able to wear normal things again?
Will I ever be able to live like all the other girls my age?

I buried hope.

I'm tired of it, life. All these promises that it will get better and that you just have to hang in there. All these promises that you keep in the deepest corner of your mind so you won't just disappear into darkness, all these "it's-gonna-be-okay".
It's meaningless, it's just unimportant and meaningless.
I realized that it's not gonna be okay long ago, that there is no hope. I'm standing in the middle of my life's darkness and from day to day it makes me fall to pieces a bit more.  These mornings when you can't get out of your bed because deep inside yourself you're hoping that you won't wake up, that there will be no morning and than there is this following moment when you realize that the day already began and you know that it's gonna be hard to survive it at all. These are the moments that are so fucking hard to bear.
My strengths are leaving me. My friends are already gone since a long time.
What am I waiting for? What am I bearing these days for?
I am full of self-hate and disgust, it's tearing me apart.
I can't cope with this life anymore, I can't stand it anymore and I am left alone with my despair. There is nobody left, there has never been anybody. I can't keep up the facade anymore, I can't. They always used to admire me, back then. Now they look after me, see these broken glances. Yes, I am broken. This life broke me. Broken by pain and the desperate search for hope.
But there just will be no hope and I have to cope with it. I have to assume and accept it.
There won't be hope for me in this life.
These thoughts sadden me, push me against the wall and they won't let me go. I don't know what to do anymore, I tried so much but it just never worked out for me.
I am looking for the way out, I run and run until I nearly pass out, until I can't breathe no more but yet I am standing in front of a big wall and there is no way to pass it. Except of if I would break through the wall, destroy it. But I feel that I am ways too weak to break it.
It's massive and it's so much taller than me. I can't break through it without any help.
I would love to fight my inner demons, I want to finally get them out of my head. But they won't go away, they just won't.
I want to be normal, I wan't to live a normal life. I want to go out like anybody else, eat, swim, wear whatever I want. I don't want to stand in front of the mirror for an hour before even leaving the house just to go for a walk with my dog. I want to go out with friends, go for dinner, go to the beach, take a bath in the ocean. I want to fucking live and not just exist.
But in the end all these thoughts and considerations are like running around a deep hole.
I run around this hole, over and over again, always moving in a circle, but I know that it will only stop if I finally jump into it.


Time is running out.

If you can't wake up from the nightmare,
then maybe you're not asleep.

Soon there will be the end. I can feel it.
I am afraid but I know that this is gonna be the only way.


But it's ironic because that's how I live my life.
I smile on the outside and everyone thinks I'm doing fine
But I'm always dying inside,
Always one step away from the edge, you know?
I can't be happy to be who I am
Because I don't know who I am anymore.

And I guess he'll never come back.

You can close your eyes to the things
you don't want to see,
But you can't close your heart to the things
you don't want to feel.

If that would be possible I would feel no pain at the moment.
I can't even think of when he finally says he'll leave me.

But I kinda have to thank you.
Thank you for making my decision so much easier.
This time there will be no one to safe me. You won't be there this time.



Girl, interrupted.

Taking that blade,
Dragging it across my skin and
praying for the courage to press down.

Fat butterflies can't fly.

She felt light as a feather,
And it was her favorite high.
The emptier her stomach,
The farther she'd fly.
Sometimes she flew too far,
She'd get worn out and faint.
But as long as she was weightless,
She had not one complaint.
Her wings brought an early death,
But she was finally at peace.
Forever flying in heaven,
Where perfection would never cease.

Skydiving with no parachute.

I can't pretend that I'm okay,
I can't fake it anymore.
I'm hopeless, helpless, alone, full of fears, fat, scarred
and I am afraid that I'll never get better.

My life is a lie.

It is built on lies.
If these lies wouldn't exist, I by myself wouldn't be able to live anymore.
It is like a house of cards.
I put on a card each day so this house keeps growing.
But if the wind blows too strong, my house starts to shake.
It shakes more and more and if it looses its strength, then it will break down.
Just like me.
Just like me.


I waited for you but you just went away.

The rain falls because the sky can no longer handle it's heavyness.

Just like tears.

They fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain.

I miss you.

Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head.

Look what you've done.

Take my photo of the wall if it just won't sing for you.
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove.


He's back. The monster.
I feel him.
Under my skin, in my head.
He's everywhere.
The urge.
I can't stop it.
I am the monster.

Ways to kill myself.

Jump off a cliff.
Stab myself.
Shoot myself.
Cut too deep.

I could tell you a thousand more of them.
But I'm gonna tell you the one that will kill me in the end.

Fall in love.

He will kill me in the end if nothing's gonna change.
My death will be for him.

"I'm gonna show you how much I love you and kill myself just for you."

Thinking is the first step.

These thoughts will kill you.
You either got the chance to finally do it, take your last breath or you just try to stand the pressure.
These thoughts won't stop, the voices inside my head won't shut up.
These ghosts I see won't go away.
They make my day a living nightmare and I am afraid that it will never ever stop.
I don't have the strength to stand it. At least I won't be able to stand it the next 20 years.
Either way all this gotta stop or I'm gonna stop.
Stop breathing. Stop thinking.
Making my heart stop.


When I close my eyes, I am somewhere with you.

And I wish I would be right now.
I miss you so much.
And it's killing me that you are the one who is doubtful about our relationship.
You've been the one who told me that all these feelings wouldn't change.
You told me that "all this", all that I am, all these problems wouldn't change it.
It was all a lie. You are the one who is leaving me.
My death will be for you.

My Suicide.

Suicide is a form of murder - premeditated murder.
It isn't something you do the first time you think of doing it.
It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive.
A successful suicide demands food organization and a cool head,
both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.


There is one and the same bird in front of my window.
It's just flying around there since like five minutes.
He looks so cute, so free.
I was thinking of how this little bird just flies around all day.
Looking for all the things he needs in life: Family, food and a place to sleep.
That's it. That's his pursuit for happiness.
It seems so simple.
I wish I'd be that bird.


You gotta look for the right way.

Sure. And there are a lot of it.
You gotta look for the one that will lead you to where you want to go.
It's gonna be a tough and long search.
But what if you haven't got any strength left to go on?
What if you feel like you're gonna break?
This ain't a road with benches on the side.
This ain't no walk in the park, you can't just relax in the sun for a moment.
Either way you keep on walking or you're gonna die.

That's the catch.

We're all going to die anyway.

So why not take some work from death.
I think he has quite a lot to do anyway.

I just... I can't do it anymore.

I really can't do it anymore.
I want it to stop.
I've lost so many friends just through the way I am.
I think I've lost the love of my life and I'm not just saying it like that, he really IS the love of my life and I can't even think of anyone else being by my side.
I am a fat fuck and I am the most useless piece of shit.

I'm just done.



Afraid. The girl I am living with is gone for the next 4 days.
That means there is no one to act for and there is no one who might notice that I am in bathroom quite long.
There is no one here who will notice a thing.
Everything I will do will be a secret.
I am afraid of what will happen. I can feel it inside me.
It is there.
I want to be saved. Not saved from this place, saved from myself.