I've got a gun in my hand but the gun won't cock,
my finger's on the trigger but that trigger seems locked,
and I can't stop staring at the tick-tock clock
and even if I could I would never give up,
with a vest on my chest, a bullet in my lung
I can't believe I'm dying with my song unsung
and if and when I die won't you bury me alone?
Because I'll never get to heaven if I'm singing this song.

Taken by yourself.

Empty. Empty. Empty. Empty. Empty. Empty.


I love you.

"I would love to show you, how I see you.
Sometimes I see the real Fly. Just really rarely, but then I see her.
And I wish so much that one day this little, weak, hurt Fly can just break the big walls around her. Because she is a really worthy person...
Darling, you are like a star to me which is actually really beautiful, so intensive and which has such a special glow... which could have so much power and could light up the darkest night but this star always hides behind the clouds.
She always gives in and disappears... so what everyone sees is just this weak ray of light.
But I saw this real glow, this unique brilliance of my best friend.
I know that it's there and believe me, it is so beautiful, so amazing.
Believe me, YOU are beautiful and amazing and one day you will be able to shine again.
Shine with the whole of your heart."

I love you so much, my dearest friend.
I am so glad that you are on my side.
That you are a part of my life, my heart, my soul.
I never wanna live without you again.
You're my everything.
My Guardian Angel.

Sick and tired of trying...

I am so empty at the moment and everyone is like "Oh, you sound so much better since you're at this internship thing."
I seem to get better at acting. Or maybe it's cause I don't see them that often now.
I don't know.
The only thing I can say is that I am not better after all. Not a little bit.
The Problem ist, nobody would understand if I'd tell them, nobody would believe me
cause everything is "sooooo much better now".
Yes, everything's really good. Everything's good, I'm super fine.
I am "healthy" again, they fixed me, for sure.
It was so easy to make you believe I am fine. Everyone believed me. Everything's good, I am smiling, so everything's gotta be good again.
On the outside...
Isn't it strange that the outside doesn't tally with the inside at all?
That nobody notices this faked smile?
That nobody recognizes, how much I disgust myself, how much I hate that my jeans are tight again cause I have to eat so that everybody believes in my lies?
That nobody recognizes that I can't handle the fact that I get fatter and fatter each day, that it tears me apart?
That nobody sees how I have to torture me so that my feelings won't burst out of me and that I don't start crying out of nothing cause I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross, shabby bitch.
Isn't it strange that nobody sees how I really feel?!
I can't bear that anymore.
Really. I am sorry but I can't.
Someday it will burst out of me and everybody will be thinking that I am crazy cause "everything was sooo good."
Yeah, cause nobody understands.
"Oh, it's nothing. Everything is fine." This will be my response. I can promise.
"Everything's fine", just like always. Everything's normal, everything's good, for sure.
Everything's like everyday... like always....


Always by your side..


Feelings inside.

Don't let them get you down!


SO close.


Fine, really fine.

If just...

I wish you cared.
I wish I didn't care.
I wish it was easier.
I wish things weren't so confusing.
I wish I liked myself.
I wish I wasn't so insecure.
I wish I could be the person I am in my head.
I wish my thoughts wouldn't kill me.
I wish reality was more like my dreams.
I wish you were really who I thought you were.
I wish I wasn't so different.
I wish I could just escape.
Better yet, I wish I could disappear.

And it's like you don't even care.



Lonely. No but not desperate and lonely. Just lonely.

I am alone.
And YES, I really mean I am alone.
I have no one in this world.
Sure, there is this girl, my best friend, but I can't feel her anymore.
It's like we are worlds away from each other.
She's there, but I am not.
We never meet, we never talk.
It's like a fictive friend on the internet cause this is the only place we meet.
And I can't stand it anymore.
I know, you are my best friend and my only heart I have.
But I have the feeling it doesn't really matter.
I know you're going through hard times and I am always here to listen,
but who's listening to me? I know you would be. But I can't.
I just can't talk to you when it's just on the internet.
I just fucking can't.
I am sorry. I can't so this anymore.

Always and forever.

Because she's a slave to the pain you never even know about.


And I don't know why...

I am a strong girl....

It hurts me to lie into your face.

You bleed just to know you're alive.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over.
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything seems like in movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't've ?


I love you so much.

Please don't give up.
I know we can make it through.
I need you more than anything.
This one's for you.

"Elle est mon âme, elle est mon coeur,
elle est ma flamme, mon bonheur.
C'est elle qui m'a donné la vie, elle fait partie de moi.

Elle est tout ce que j'ai de plus cher au monde,
ma raison d'être, ma raison de vivre,
près d'elle je serais jusqu'à la dernière seconde,
c'est elle que j'aime,
elle est ma vie."


You are loved.

My loveliest little girl,
I know the world seems so hard for you.
Your family, school, job, friends, everything seems to be wrong way, upside down.
But there are people out there who really care about you.
Who love you. Who are always happy when you appear in their lives.
I am one of these persons.
I am glad that you came in my life this one day.
That we talked, that you trusted me, you told me your story and I told you mine.
I am glad that you understand me and you definitely need to know that I understand you.
And I will always be there for you, no matter where I am, how I feel or what you did.
I will always be by your side.
You are my little angel, and I will do my very best to be kind of you guardian angel.
You need to know that I really love you and you became an important part of my little broken life.
You deserve the world, my girl.
I will try to show it to you.
I want to help you to love life. We can make it through.
Just always remember: YOU ARE LOVED.

These scars don't define my personality.


Good, that you're "normal" again, seems like they fixed you. -They DIDN'T. Look behind my mask.

1....2....3....4.... Gone.

It is.

I miss those texts and I want them... just for not feeling alone.


English-lesson No. 2



A person who fakes a smile.

English-lesson No. 1

"Are you okay?"
- "I'm fine."

fine - adjective
   1. okay; not great or bad
   2. absolutely heart-wrenchingly terrible, wanting to drown in one's own sorrow,
       recurring thoughts of suicide, but unable to verbally express such feelings, or does not
       wish to be a burden.

We're all hiding something and we all have our own reasons for hiding it.

No, Mum.

I never thought they fixed me.
You've been the only one to believe in this dream, in this unrealistic dream.
I knew it, the whole time. I always knew that they didn't fix me.
I am still the same, I am sorry.


Sometimes you hurt yourself more than anyone could hurt you,
only for keeping your feelings hidden.

People who die by suicide don't want to end their lives.

They want to end their pain.

Falling more and more in love with Emma Watson. She is... amazing.


Eating around people.

Eating around people is always...difficult.
All I do is think, "They're judging you. That bite was too big, they saw that.
They can see your cheeks bulging.
Fat fuck, slow down.
Slow. The. Fuck. Down.
They think you're fat. You disgust them"

And they are so right!

Because they'll never understand.


That awkward moment when you realize 
your friends don't care about you as much as you care about them.

When a small kid asks you "How's life?"

...Well you know, having breakdowns and crying nearly every other day, self harming every day,
losing the battle with my depression and getting into shit with school, work, friends, family, 
not coping, considering suicide every day, wondering why the fuck I still bother....

"My life?? Aaaah, boring, really boring."

It's not suicide, if you're already dying!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck the world.

Most days....

Most days I don't care.
I just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing.
And be no one.