Fuck the world.

Life becomes less about living and more about surviving. With these demons in my head, it still feels nearly impossible. They make every day of my life the worst nightmare I ever had. And the problem is you can't wake up and tell someone about it because they won't be able to tell you that it's just a dream. You have to keep going and if you tell someone, they won't understand. They might stare at you, some might be talking behind your back, some might be telling you that they can understand even if they never will be able to totally understand it. But they all will never ever be able to look at you the same way than before. Welcome, you are now officially a monster.

It's too late.

You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down.
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat but that's nothing new.
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue and you say sorry like an angel, heaven's not the same with you but I'm afraid it's too late to apologize.

I needed you and I will always need you.
And I know that when you're gone there will be nothing else to hold me anymore.
And there will be no one to save me anymore.


I am like the fox in Le Petite Prince.

Numbed thoughts. Lonely. Just hope - the rest is dead.
Pulsating temples - pumping. Disappointment through the soulbroken body.
Fearing and trembling that the thin ice might break - rooted, no movement - frozen.
Heart is fighting. Head is trailing off. Hours turn into days.
All blood is freezing in domestic warmth. 
There is no answer - breath keeps on pausing and listening - can't hear a word. 
Fingertips are shaking, the lovesick heart is sobbing quietly. 
Tears - salty - red-hot - burning the tender face.
Everything will be okay - won't it?
The courage, obeying the mind, is missing. Everything's other than volitional - 
Always the same roads - giving love to another - a broken heart is left.
There is nothing than a scream in the end.
You don't hear it - keep on walking away.
You don't turn around anymore.
Soft paws - a pride of coyotes - Fight! Cramp. Until you - can't fight no longer.


Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side.

I love you two a lot and I can't wait to be with you again.


Silence is the most powerful scream.

I wish I could just break free. Break free from what I am.
I wanna scream out loud that I can't do this anymore. I wish I could cry for help.
But I know I am not worth it. I don't deserve help. I has to be even worse before I am allowed to get help. I need to die before I get help.
I wish I could just tell my boss that I need therapy, more than once or twice a month.
I wish I could tell my therapist that I need help, that I'm not strong enough. That now there is this point from which I can't live anymore.
But I just can't. I can't speak. I can't accept help.
Because deep inside I know that I am just a waste of space and a waste of time. Therapists should waste their time with harder cases than me, they should give their time to people who really need help. Who deserve it.
I am just nothing.


Beauty from pain.

And then the darkness surrounds me. I know I'm alive but it feels like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over. My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made. I try to keep warm but I just grow colder. I feel like I'm slipping away.




I have a tattoo with your name right above my heart
With anchors so everyone knows where mine belongs.
A light house next to it
No matter how foggy it's leading me.
Martins around my neck
So everyone sees that we're free.

We believe in a light that never disappears.

I miss you, I fucking miss you. I want you right next to me and I can't stand this feeling anymore. I know that when you finally decide about us, then it will be my end.
My final end.
Cause you are the person I am living for. You are the one to save me.
And when you're gone, then there will be no one to save me anymore. Save me from the demons in my head, same me from the nightmares. There will be no one to hold my hand, to hold me until I fall asleep, no one to displace my nightmares.
I will be gone.


Oh baby believe me the best thing is you.

And all the money has no value anymore
When you look at me
And everything's spinning around
It feels like falling
There's nothing that can hold us now
Just you and me against the world.

And baby believe me the best thing


Everyone does it.

Everyone is doing it. Every day.
Small kids start to learn it from the very beginning. They listen to the grown ups and they try to do it, too but it doesn't really work at first. When they are a bit older they learn more and more, they start to copy it from their parents. The older they grow the better they get. The more they learn the wiser and cleverer they sound. Some people don't need it to understand each other, they do it with their hearts. Some people aren't able to do it, they do it with their hands. But everyone learned it a long time ago.
But there are also people who seemed to have forgotten about it.
There are people who seem to not being able to talk anymore. There are a lot of things in my head that I would like to tell, at least I'd like to tell them to my therapist. But I just can't. I don't know how to talk anymore. I don't know how to tell about these things. And it scares me. It scares me because on this way I have all that in my head twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If I was able to tell someone, I guess it might disappear. Or at least it would be less scary. I would feel less alone and lost.
But I just can'twon'tdon'twantto. My head is a mess and a scary place to be and I don't want to be there anymore. My head makes me speechless even though there is a lot to tell.
And there is no one to save me from my thoughts. Cause I don't deserve it, I don't deserve help. Everything in this life happens for reasons. And this is what I deserve.


This word caught your attention, right?
It always catches peoples attention.
But all the signs that show up before a suicide happens,
all the things suicidal people show, these are the signs that nobody notices.

Lately it has been kinda strange inside me. I noticed a big change. I feel really distanced to all the people around me. I feel that I by myself built up the walls and I won't let anyone in. The strange thing is, in former times the person I distanced the most from was my mother. And right now it's more like my mum is the person I get the closest to. I feel that I made a lot of mistakes concerning our relationship and I really feel that I need to change it. Cause she is my mummy and I love her so much. I don't want to hurt her, I never wanted to. Now I am trying to make it all better, I am trying to be a better daughter. I want her to love me, I want her to love me cause she really feels it and not because she kinda has to cause I am her child.
The distance to all the other people is growing more and more. I feel alone. Fucking alone. Even though there are a lot of people around me. I feel that there is no one who understands, I feel cold all the time. Not because of the actual temperature but because I feel lost. I feel like falling into a deep hole. You can see the walls, it's a stony well and you see that there would be the chance to grab hold of it but you just can't. Your arms are to short to reach it and you also feel that there will be no use to it cause you are ways to weak. So you better just keep falling.
You decide to let yourself fall into the deep. Your risk is to die but you just don't care anymore because you know that there will be no other chance.
Wow, that was a long metaphor. What I wanted to say is that I feel that there is no one around me, no one to grab so I won't fall into death. And it is all my fault cause I am the one who does not want to see those people, those walls, and who does not want to grab it.
I wish there would be people. People who wouldcould make it stop. People who would grab my arms and keep me from falling.Cause there is a point in the well from which you can't be saved anymore. It's the point where it is too deep for anyone to still reach it.
It's the point where it will all end. And I feel like being really close to it.
I am loosing my mind.