You're out of their head, so you'll soon be dead.

Leave this world, bitch! They don't fucking care, don't you see that?
GO and KILL yourself. You know how to do it!!!
You "did it" once but you can finish what you started!!!
There is nothing to live for and you know that!
Cause no one wants you to be here, no one wants to be with you!

The thought of suicide went from "how?" to "when?"...

They're all leavin'....

The fuck?! What am I doin' wrong?
I don't get it.
Everyone's leaving me.
Come on, go on. Leave me alone so there won't be anyone who'll cry when I finally die!
Thank you for making my decision so easy.
Thank you!!!


Have you ever wanted to disappear?

She paints a pretty picture but this picture has a twist
you see, her paintbrush is a razor and her canvas is her wrist.

She paints her pretty picture in a color thats blood red
while using her sharp paintbrush, she ends up finally dead.

Her pretty pictures fading quite slowly on her arm.
The blood is not racing through her. She can no longer do harm.

She painted her pretty picture but her picture had a twist
you see, her mind was the razor and her heart was just her wrist.

Gemma, could you please give me your dress?

Stop reading blogs that are just talking about senseless stuff like the weather.

Start reading a blog that really makes me think and has a lot of awesome pictures on it.
The curious world of M.
It's worth reading and following it cause Madame is just lovely!!


Maybe it'd be cool if I just died, right?

I knew that I was dying
something in me said, go ahead, die, sleep, become as them.


But they know now!

And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry.
Because for as long as I've known, they've been chasing me and now they're ready,
now they're strong enough to break through.
And I can't fight them. I used to be when I was strong but... You've made me weak.
And now I can't. I can't.

Yeah, you've made me weak.
You've made me weak because you want me to feel!
You've made me weak until there was nothing weaker than death.

This is the last time, I will ever write a rhyme.

Tonight is my last night that I will be alive.
I'm already numb, I'm just waiting to die.
I lost the reason why I never slept,
Why my dreams were not as good as reality.
I'm already done, I sobbed and wept.
I've killed myself, emotionally and mentally,
Now I face pure lethality, just overdosed -
On my painkillers, I really wouldn't call it fatality,
Oh well, at least it won't be painful,
I'm dying slowly, dying artistically.
Now let me go to the whole point of this letter;
I want you to know that I love you with all I have,
Even though I'm buzzed out, I can tell what I feel for you,
And sadly this is what love can do.
You know who you are; I need not to say your name,
I'm really sorry for everything; I'm the one to blame.
The rest of the world, I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye,
To be honest, I never wanted to smile, I was never alright,
But I guess now you know the answer to my big lie.
My end is so near...
I can hear death knocking on my door,
I've run out of words to say, I will speak no more.

People will like me better when I'm gone.


My veins are so tempting, they crave the kiss of a razor.


I got tagged by my loveliest Cass, I tagged before.
She used the same questions I choose, so here we go:

1. Do you believe in life after death?
No, actually I really don't. After death for me there is just darkness, never ending sleeping without dreaming.2. Are you afraid of dying?
Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not and it's my biggest wish.3. What is you biggest fear?
Being left alone, even though it's paradox cause I push all people around me away.4. Is there anything in life you would change if you could?
There is a lot I would change, nearly everything. But sometimes I think all the things that happened made me the person I am, but I don't know if this is a good thing or not. But I know that what I am now made me meet a lot of people I never ever want to miss anymore. 
MY LOVE, MY SIAMESE TWIN, THIS GOES OUT FOR YOU!! And CASS.... I also mean you! Cause I really love you and you mean a lot to me. Please never never give up.5. Cat or dog? And why?
Dog, definitely. Cause I just love my dogs. Dogs are the only creatures on this planet who loves you more than himself. But I love my cats anyway! :D
6. Favorite book?
Any kind of thriller, Level26 by Anthony E. Zuiker is definitely one of the best books I read. But don't forget about Cody McFadyen and German author Sebastian Fitzek !7. What would you call beautiful? Skinny? Tall? Tanned? Blue eyes? Define it.
I would call a loving, real person beautiful. A person who feels with his heart and is not afraid to show. A person who is not afraid to tell the truth, who is not afraid to show who he really is. 8. What's your favorite outfit?
I like it casual and comfi. Two longsleeves, one or two big sweater, opaque tights and a jeans shorts, some pair of UGG-boots, a scarf, that's it. It's warm, it's comfortable and my favorite.9. Mommy- or Daddychild? And why?
None of these. I don't really like/know my dad and my mom and me have some kind of broken relationship.10. Do most people know the REAL you?
Actually there is no one around me who really knows me. There is one person, who I really love and she knows who I am and I am not afraid to show her who I am.11. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A dead person. When I have the courage to. The courage to relieve everyones life. 


When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream.
But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.

My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.


I got tagged!!!!

Thanks to Madame! You're really adorable!! :)

So her questions were:

1. How many true friends do you have?
I think there are 3, maybe 4 real friends, the ones I really love and trust.
2. In which moment did you think that it would be better to just end it all?
There are a lot of these moments. When I am alone, when the world seem to break, when I can carry all the weight of me and my problems anymore.
3. Day or night?
Definitely nighttime! I love the stars, the moon and the air at night. It's all so clear, so quiet, so innocent.
4. Do you like to be alone?
It's half half. Sometimes I really NEED to be alone but when it comes to night, then I hate to be alone cause that's the time where all the thoughts are coming back in my head and keep me from sleeping and bring me nightmares even when I am not asleep.
5. Do you have a favorite author? If so, who is it?
I personally love Sebastian Fitzek (german thriller author), Cody McFadyen (also thriller) and for sure there is Joanne K. Rowling. 
6. Favorite smell?
The smell my horses have on their noses! I know it sounds creepy and strange but they smell so "cute" there and just... cute! I love it!
7. Are you very self-critical?
Yes, I am. Nothing's ever good enough. Never thin enough, never smart enough, never good enough at just everything!
8. Can you be glad about success?
When it's about riding, then I am really glad. About the way my horse and I made it, about how much we kicked ass! 
But even though there is this "happiness", there is always the thought about what I could have done better.
9. Favorite music?
Oh, that's quite a hard one... There is a lot of music I like, nearly every kind of it.
But I think "The Pretty Reckless", "Nightwish" and "The Killers" pretty much rock.
And I love listening to Dubstep.
10. Do you like to cook?
I do! I looove cooking and baking, too. Even though I hate eating it, IF I eat it. 
But I love it. When I was in hospital as an inpatient, I baked a cake every weekend when I was at home for some hours.
11. Why did you start your blog?
I started it cause I felt like I would like to "talk". So share my thoughts, to get them out of my head.
And I didn't really care if anyone was ever interested in it. I just wanted it out of my head, so I would feel at least a bit better.

I will tag the following people:
Lovely Madame
Libby, cause you know I love you! :D <3
Amazing Mina
Cass, cause you are my little heart and I am so sorry for everything!

These are my questions:

1. Do you believe in life after death?
2. Are you afraid of dying?
3. What is you biggest fear?
4. Is there anything in life you would change if you could?
5. Cat or dog? And why?
6. Favorite book?
7. What would you call beautiful? Skinny? Tall? Tanned? Blue eyes? Define it.
8. What's your favorite outfit?
9. Mommy- or Daddychild? And why?
10. Do most people know the REAL you?
11. What do you want to be when you grow up?


I cried, for happiness, for sadness, but most of all, for emptiness. -Daul Kim

No, you don't fucking understand.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Hard to stand it.

Trying to make them realize that you really are crazy. They just don't want to see!

Date a girl who reads.

“If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads."


Fixing all the problems that you made in your own head.

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time,
didn't I, my dear?