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Mittwoch

Sure, I don't care. This doesn't even get close to me.

I don't need any of those people in my life which are leaving right now.
I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.
You know, there is a point in life when you realize that all those people who pretend to be there for you, who pretend to be your "really close friends", are the biggest liar on planet earth! All they want is you to tell them how amazing and loved they are. And if they have these "Oh so big problems", they want you to be there for them, you gotta tell them that everything's gonna be okay. But when you start to tell them, that it's not okay, that they fucking need help and you don't wanna hear a word about "how awesome all this loosing-weight-stuff" is, because you're currently trying to recover, you're the worst bitch they've ever met in their lives. And as soon as you might need them for some reasons, they seem to just disappear, they got no time for you. But when it finally comes to telling them about what you wanted to talk about for so long, all they say is "yeah, I can totally relate to that, I got the same thing and for me it's like this....." And finally they will say something like "Our friendship is not really workin' anymore. I'm sorry."
Oh really? Maybe because our friendship just consists of you and your problems. You're not even interested in anything about me? Maybe that might be the problem??
Don't you understand that there is more in life than just you, yourself and, oh I forgot, your fucking big ego?
And what about those friends you are really trying to help in their relationships with others? Same thing... Helping them like fucking shit and as soon as everything seems to go the right way again, for them, even though their partner is just twitting on them, not really taking them as a real, independent person, just more as a slave or a toy, they just throw you away. "They need to concentrate on their relationship again". They got no time for people like you anymore and they don't want to be friends anymore.
FUCK YOU ALL!
We'll meet again in hell, bitches!

This is what I meant when I said that I don't have friends. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a fuck.




Save me from all these thoughts!

I can't stand them no longer. They make me cry, they make me wanna scream, they make me wanna jump off a bridge. Take them away from me and free me before I'll free myself. They change life into hell, laughter into tears, nights into fear. I can't live with them no longer.



Dienstag

White Trash Beautiful.

There's something you should know: My heart belongs to you.
And you coulda found a better guy, I'll love you 'till the day I die.
I swear to God it's true, I'm coming home to you.

Even though I try to be so hard and act as if I'd never think of him, I do. I miss him, I miss everything about him. I miss the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me. I miss everything he ever wrote for me and I miss the way he kissed me. I just miss him!!
I wish there would be something to turn back time so I could make my mistakes undone.
I don't wanna be without him...


Donnerstag

Not afraid.

I'm not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time.


Mittwoch

Sonntag

Infront of me are ten pretty, little pills...

I'll take one because you lied to me...
I'll take another for all the family trouble...
I'll take two more for the fat on me...
I'll take another because I hate myself...
I'll take another for all the rumors...
I'll take one for all the  nights I've cried...
Now, I'm shaking I'll take one because I need to calm down...
One left... am I beautiful now? Does this make me perfect?...
Take it...
I'm done. I'm perfect now.


I'm ready now....


Samstag

This is where you see who I am.

I think that it's time to show "me"...
This is my fatness, my obese body and my fat face.

Don't be shy, you are now allowed to laugh quite loud!!
See the ugly truth!



Desire.

I personally think that this fear which you're having inside you when you're standing on the edge is rather a desire.
The desire to just let yourself fall - or to spread your wings and fly.

This is one of my drawings. Reflecting my feelings pretty good I think.

There is a storm inside my head.

So much going on at the moment.
I am not doing well... Not at all. I had a preliminary talk in a treatment center. It was so hard for me to go there, so many feelings, so many thoughts. Will they take me for serious? Am I sick enough for getting help? Do I really need help and will this be the right way of help for me? So many thoughts are wandering through my head since then. The therapist was quite nice and I had a good feeling in that way but I am not sure if I will choose this clinic in the end. I need help, I know it. I don't want to live like this anymore. Either way I choose the way of going into treatment or I'll die. I know it. I will die by suicide or my "accident". I don't want to live like this anymore, so these are my two choices. I have to choose. To live and let my illness go or to cling to it and die. Seems to be an easy decision, right? But it really isn't.
This illness, all these diseases have become part of me. They are like part of my personality, a part that has become quite big over the years. So I would have to let go what makes me the person I am right now. It's a bad, sick part of my personality but nevertheless it is a part of it! So what would you think if you got to let yourself go? To loose what spots you. It's quite hard. It would make me a nobody. It would make me look like a blank sheet of paper. All that was written on it was erased. Only the marks of what was written on it once are left. My scars. They will stay forever...
And then there are the scars that no eraser, no doctor, no medicine will ever be able to heal: The ones on my soul. And these are the ones that hurt the most. Will I ever be able to forget? To completely let go? Will it be that easy?
I don't know... The only thing I know is: If I won't change, my diseases will change me. Even more than they already did now. They will turn me into a monster, a living dead. And one day, I will be gone forever. And I will never come back.

Help.


Sonntag