"Why are you doing this to yourself? You have everything a girl could ever want!"

I hate people telling me this!!!
Stop it, you have NO idea about what is going on in my life.
Yeah right, I've got horses which are as expensive that other people could bye a brand new car from the money, that's right but is that "having everything"?
Right, I have a lot of stuff and clothes and I could bey a lot of new stuff if I wanted.
Right, I got a beautiful big room, right, I live in a big house.
Right, I have a loving grandma, she'd do everything for me.
And right, I have the most loveliest pets at home, everyone loves them.
But is this "having everything"? Are these material things (except of my granny) really "having everything"?
I've got a dad who doesn't care about me. He didn't even call for my birthdays the last 7 years.  I haven't seen him since 8 years.
I've got a mum who never really notices how I feel and often she just doesn't want to know.
I used to have an amazing, loving stepfather, I knew him since I was two, but I destroyed mum's and his love with my selfishness and hate.
With my stepfather I also lost the only other relatives I ever had, his parents, Ma & Jo.
They have been like my real grandparents, I loved them so much, they were everything to me.
So I have exactly two relatives in my life, my mum and my granny, it feels like I don't even have a family around me.
I fucked up school cause I thought I wouldn't make it.
Since then I am doing nothing serious, working a little but only in the internship-way.
In a modeling agency, on a horse farm.
I am useless, I am such a waste of space. There is nothing in life that I really did good, I never get things done the right way.
And you are trying to tell me that I have everything a girl could ever wish for?


Sweet little death.

It always seems so easy, so peaceful to just swallow the pills, to just make it stop.
At first you feel that your stomach gets filled with this sweet little death.
You feel you heart beat faster, you might be afraid. 
"I have to stay strong, I know I want this", this is what the voices in your head are saying.
And then suddenly, you start to become calm, really calm. 
You've overcome your first flush of fear.
But it's not over yet. Now you gotta wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
It needs a long time. Long time to think, long time to think even more.
And this is the point where you gotta decide. It's not too late to get help!
GET HELP, it's not over yet. Call someone or the ambulance.
If you decide that you really want this, then you'll soon notice the first messages of death. 
And soon you'll be in heaven. Or not. If you really messed it up, then you'll be braindead for the rest of your life, connected to machines that keep you alive. 
You'll be lying there in your hospital bed.
"Oh look at her, poor little girl, tried to kill herself, she failed. It must be so hard."
Think of your parents, think of your friends. They'll all see you like this, everyone will wish they would have helped you, they'll wish they'd have noticed before. 
Think of everything, of the consequences for you and all the others, think of the consequences, of what might happen if you fail.
I am here for everyone of you! I'd be glad to help you!!

It's your choice, everyone's gotta choose him/herself. 
It's your life.
For some people life is harder than the consequences which there might be, 
some other people might think twice now.
It's your choice. But it's not only your consequences.

Everything but life.

I am not.

I always wondered if there really were demons inside us. 
Are they really responsible for the bad things that we are doing? 
Or is it just us?
Now I know, there really are demons inside me.
But they are not what makes me evil. It's me.
They are just helping me getting the needed hate inside me, the fear, the despair. 
They are there for making trouble on the inside, for making me the way I am, for making me a monster, for making me want to kill myself. 
But what I do to the people around me, what I do on the outside, that's just me, even though it's effected by the demons on the inside. 
I am evil, I am such a loser, a fat fat fucking loser, I am such a disappointment to all the people around me. 
The demons might be inside you, but you have to keep them inside. 
You have to be strong to make them stay inside, to stop them from effecting you actions on the outside. 
You have to be strong yourself, against yourself.
Otherwise they'll become a part of you. 
You have to be strong.

I am not.


Who honors those we love for the very life we live?
Who sends monsters to kill us? And at the same time things that will never die?
Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies?
Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend?
Who trains us and who holds the key to set us free?
It's you.


Mum, I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment.

Little tiny baby cuts. Fuck you, bitch!


Mine. Mine. Mine. Soon to happen.

This is taking over my life.

And nobody notices.

It's seems so tempting.

I really think that this kind of fear that exists inside
sometimes is more like a desire to just let yourself fall.



In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

I miss you, more than words can say.
I hope that you'll find your peace up there.
But I want you to know that I love you and I'll never forget you.
Goodbye, my dearest friend.