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Dienstag

Evil.

I can feel it.
I can feel it inside me.
I can feel that she is coming.
I can feel this bitch growing bigger and bigger inside.
And she will be there again.
She is angry.
I disappointed her today and the days before.
She'll take revenge.
And I know that I can't do anything against her.
I have to follow her commands.
And if I cheat on her, she's gonna hurt me.
She's gonna hurt me really bad.
I can't leave her 'cause I need her as much as she needs me.
She is the only one  I can trust.
She's never lying to me.
She tells me that I am fat and I am ugly.
And she tells me that it'll all get even worse if I eat this fucking food.
She tells me that I don't need it.
I can live without it as long as I don't leave her.
And if I leave her, then I will be alone.
Alone and fat and without friends.
Because no one wants a weak friend.
No one wants to be friends with a girl who cheated on her former best friend.
She told me that she is gonna tell everyone how bad I am and how much i disappointed her.
And then I will be alone.
Alone.
And fat.
And because she knows how bad i need her, she can tell me whatever she wants.
She knows that I can never leave her.
I need her to become what I always wanted to be.
I need her to become what I live for.
I need her to become thin.
Please don't leave me.
I will improve myself.
I promise.
I need you here!

These are my real thoughts.





Hoffwn petawn wedi marw.

Szkoda, że nie żyją.

Ek wens ek was dood is.

Ég vildi að ég væri dauður.

M'agradaria estar mort.

Je voudrais être mort.

Me gustaría estar muerto.

Vorrei essere morto.

Volio bih da su mrtvi.

I wish I were dead.


I can't stand all this anymore...
And again, it's too late.
Cat scratcher!

Freitag

Why can't I just be like her?
Why do I have to be so fat and so weak?

Everyday life.


Walking out of the door.
Out on your mask.
Go and play that game.
Go and play the person that you aren't and that you'll never be again!

Donnerstag

Mittwoch

Dear God...

Thanks for sending me this angel.
Thanks for sending me my girl.
She is always there for me.
She is the one who makes me smile.
I am glad about every second we talk.

She's the one.
She's my girl, my wonderful girl.
And even if I don't know her face to face, she is such a big part of my life.

I love you. ♥

Sonntag

Back to normality and reality.

School starts tomorrow after summer break.
And I really don't feel like going there.
First reason is  I don't feel comfortable with myself.
Second reason is  I don't like school.
Third reason is it's my last year in school and I am fucking afraid of my graduation.

And tomorrow is also my weekly treatment "lesson"....
And I also don't feel like going there too 'cause I don't know what to tell her.

And after all.... I just want to sleep all day and not doing a thing. That would be what I feel like right now.

Hope you all had a great summer break and you all have a positive start back to school or work (like me xD).

How did you spend your holidays?
I would really be glad about answers :)

So true, but so hard to realize.

Samstag

I just feel disgusting.
And I don't know why.
Maybe 'cause I am so fucking FAT!

Your body is like a costume and can be changed by force of will.
A new body would make me another person just like a costume.
A person who may someday be even good enough.

"Alice in Hungerland"


Fat.

Is it just me?
Am I the one who is actually destroying everything?
Or is the whole world turning upside down?
I don't know what to do anymore.
I just know that it can't go on like that anymore.
And I don't what it that way.
I really need to change something.
For example get away all my fat!

Dienstag

Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. 
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. ME. ME.  Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.
Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Ugly.

Sonntag

L.....

L.
A.
X.
A.
T.
I.
V.
E.
S.

But they don't make me feel better.
Don't know what to do anymore.
I just don't feel like myself.
I am fat, fat, fat, fat and fat.
But not strong enough.
I will never be.
'Cause I'm an awful slut, I guess.
I'm doing a lot of things but I'm always doing them wrong.
And that is what makes me such an awful person.
And that is why I hate myself so much.

Dienstag

And it makes me be afraid of myself.
And I know that I can't take this much longer.

Samstag

Feelings.

I was lost,
You took me by the hand.
You said you could make me happy.
You said you could make me thin.

You said it wouldn't be long
Everything would be different
When I was thin.

I tried to run away from you
But you just followed me
And pretended to be my friend.

You trapped me in my body
And wouldn't let me see my friends.
You had my hand in your thin hand
And lead me through the tunnel.

Darker and darker everyday
Until there was no light.

Donnerstag

Everything but skinny.

Everything but beautiful.

Everything but perfect.

Everything but self-confident.

Everything but satisfied.

Mittwoch

In love with formspring.

Ask me whatever you like.

Listen closely:
The only time it's too late to change yourself is when you're dead.
Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself.

Discipline is remembering what you really want!

Because the end result is worth the fight!
Weak.
I'm a weak piece of person, of meat without soul and heart.

Why can't I be strong enough to do all this here?
Was all the work for nothing?

I just want this dream, this idea, this thought to come true.
But why do I have to be so weak?

I mean it's not that hard, I have done it several times before, why doesn't it work out this time?!
I don't want to be this fat thing anymore.
I have to change,  right NOW!

Dienstag

Crying, you won't let me out

Dying, what's this all about

Trying, but can not get free

Hungry, i feel so empty

Fat, you seem to agree

Know, that being thin isn't free

SHE, is my only friend

        be with me to the end

        knows where my secrets lie

and this is how I'm gonna die.

Sonntag

Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Hate myself.