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Mittwoch

All these pills look so tempting right now....

You don't want someone to save you,
not really.
You want someone who
will plant kisses on your scars and
cover your bruised body with their own and
hold you at 2 AM when your world has fallen apart and
you've cried yourself into coma.
What you really want is someone who
will help you save yourself.


How many times can I break until I shatter?

Goodnight, you said;
goodbye, I said.
And you never thought twice about it.


I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight.

What are you waiting for?
                    - The end.
The end of what?
                    - The end of my life.


Dienstag

Erlösung

Sie möchte etwas fühlen, endlich mal wieder, nur ein einziges Mal.
Ihr Leben, es macht sie taub, betäubt.
Kein Schmerz, keine Freude, keine Liebe, nur Leere.
Das einzige Gefühl, das sie noch kennt, ist Hass.
Hass gegen sich selbst.
Wenn sie sich selbst im Spiegel sieht, sieht sie keine 21-jährige Frau.
Nein, sie sieht ein Monster. Vernarbt, glühende Augen vor Hass, Bosheit,
einen widerlichen fetten, abstoßenden Körper, ekelhaft, niemand wird diesen Körper,
dieses Wesen jemals lieben oder mögen können.
Denn wer liebt schon ein Monster?
Ein so von Grund auf böses Wesen, es hat keine Liebe, keine Zuneigung verdient,
denn sie ist es selbst, das Monster.
Sie sieht in den Spiegel, würde ihn am Liebsten zerschmettern, sich selbst zerstören,
auf den Scherben ihrer selbst laufen.
Ein einziges Mal etwas fühlen, sie schneidet sich tief, tiefer als jemals zuvor.
Und da fühlt sie ihn, denn nun ist es soweit, der Schmerz, er ist da.
Alles färbt sich, tiefrot.
Ein letztes Mal, sie fühlt sich befreit, friedlich.
Sie wird nicht wiederkommen.


I want to go.

I want to go somewhere far far far away.
Some place where there is no pain, no self-hate, so suicidal thoughts, no self-harm.
I'm living in hell and there is no escape... Except of death.
I'm haunted by demons. I can't run away from them, they are haunting me wherever I go, whatever I do. They are always by my side and make my life a living hell.
I don't want to be their victim anymore.
This needs to stop.
I need to stop.
My life needs to stop.
My heart needs to stop.




Last night

I vividly remember last night,
my nightmares were as wild as always, I remember perfectly however a new part of the dream.
I held the gun up to my head.
And pulled the trigger.
No one came to help even though everyone was watching.
I remember this overwhelming feeling of peace as I hit the floor and closed my eyes.
It was a beautiful dream.
I need a gun. I can't keep up my lies and my mask.
I break and this time it'll be forever.


Is there anyone out there?

I'm thinking of closing my blog.
I don't really think anyone is reading it at all,
so why should I keep it up?

Is there anyone who is still reading my blog?
Please comment.

Love, Fly.



Sonntag

I'm done. Definitely.

No power left anymore.
I can't fight anymore and I don't wanna fight anymore.
I'm done.
Hopefully won't wake up tomorrow morning.


Samstag

My dearest follower,

I am so so so sorry for not being around here the last weeks.
I'm back in the psych ward, since 7 weeks now already and I really just have little internet here.
So to sum up:
My life's a mess and I was close to dying three times now.
But I always survived.
I am really not interested in life at the moment.
I feel lonesome, forgotten, unimportant.
And my desire to die is bigger than ever.
The doctors seem to lose their will to really fix me.
I feel so alone.
And all I want is to leave this planet.
And never come back.

I love you all and I'll try to write some more from now, as much as it's possible.


Dienstag

Only 1 life.

Found this graffiti next to my psychiatrists' entrance.
Kinda strange and symbolic thing, don't you think?
And it always makes me sad that I am not using and living this ONE life.


I'm hungry but I can't eat.
I'm tired but I can't sleep.
I'm sad but I can not cry,
Suicidal but I can't die.


Samstag

River flows in you

I'm currently working on this piano play. It's not perfect yet but I hope you like it anyways!
This is really the best thing to bring me into "neutral" mood at the moment.
Enjoy. And tell me what you think about it! 

video

Freitag

Black Orchid

Have you ever been so lonely
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
Hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.

I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It's sweetly falling in tune.
I'm gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor 
And crawl to my room.
The though of ending it soon...
Just let me sleep in my room.

Hear me cry! Cry! Cry!
I hear a know at the front door.
Don't come in!
I try to look at you
But I can't stop shaking.
Leave me alone. Just go away.
Mother I'm so scared.

Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone.
They're wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong.... to someone...
But maybe life's not for everyone.


Dienstag

Libby I'm so so so looking forward for you to be here! 
You keep me going. 
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set in your ways, but keep your heart strong!
You make me strong and I am more than glad that there is someone like you, such an amazing person!
Thinking of our plans makes me smile so much!
Let's rock this shit, girl! Best memories come from crazy ideas!




Montag

Where is my mind?
I hate this day care thing. 
I think I'm gonna quit. 
Go back to work.
Feels better that way.
At the moment.
I really can't be there anymore.
These people.
They make me crazy.
And afraid.
So full of tension.
All day long. 
Only because of the situation there.
This doesn't feel right.
I don't feel right there.
I'm gonna quit. 
Do you think, it's okay?
I'm afraid.
Because I know,
My mum's gonna be mad at me.
But I just can't be there any longer.
I can't choose the right thing anyways.
Either way she's gonna be mad.
Or I'm gonna go crazy and be extremely suicidal again.
Tough decisions to make.
Did I ever mention,
I hate decisions.


Sonntag

All these thoughts.

Back as they were before. Like they were never gone.
I am so afraid that they might get stronger again. I am afraid that they might win.
I am afraid!


Love.

One day you'll meet a guy. And ultimately, he's going to find out.
How you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day. How your face looks underneath all your makeup. How you love chocolate, how you can hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy. How cranky you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all your photos.
He's going to know everything about you.
And you know what?
    -He's still going to love you.

NO, just kidding. Fly, you're a fat fuck, full of scars, no one is ever going to love you. Did you really think this was true for you? Nah, this is just for normal people, not true for you!
You're ugly! No one is ever going to like or love you. Have fun dying all alone!


I feel so alone. I feel like nobody cares about me. That nobody would even realize if I was gone. Nobody would shed a tear, instead they'd feel relieved.
I feel like I'm nothing more than a waste of space.
And it kills me to know that it's all I'll ever be.


Samstag

Do you...?

Do you ever just get mad because you're spending your only teenage years feeling like you want to jump off a cliff while other people are  having the time of their lives and being in love and just being good at things and you're just kind of...there.
I do. And it makes me cry. Every time I think about it, it makes me feel like the biggest loser on earth. It makes me cry because I think about all the lost time, the time I will never get back but which I wasted on being stuck in my illness and sick thoughts.
I really want to get better, but it frightens me, the thought of being normal, of having all these commitments again, the thought of my life moving on... What if I won't be able to live this new life? What if my new life will be moving too fast, if I can't keep up with it?
I am afraid of the change. But I am afraid of my present state of life, too.
So what to choose?

This picture explains my feelings so good. Running away from the dark, out of the dark, it seems to follow you, but you can still see light. At least if you're fast enough, faster than the shutting down lights. If you are fast enough, you might get into bright rooms, full of light, fresh air, vitality. But if you're too slow, you will have to stick with the darkness. And even the thought of this frightens me so much that it makes me wanna cry.
This shit is totally messing up with my mind. I don't know what to do, think, say or where to go anymore.




Dienstag

If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again.


I've got more scars than friends.

I am the nonentity.
No one hears me, 'cause I am the nonentity. No one sees me, 'cause I am the nonentity. No one understands me, 'cause I am the nonentity.
Then I hear a wonderful melody and I am following her. I'm dancing with her and I feel good. I'm dancing and dancing and I recognize much too late that this is gonna be my last dance in life, my dance with death.
But no one will miss me, no one will know my story, 'cause I am the nonentity. 


I got a blogaward from the beautiful Madame. You definitely gotta check out her blog, it's one of my favorites. 


So here are 7 stupid and totally uninteresting facts about me:


1. I clean my room every day, sometimes it looks like no one is even living in there anymore.

2. When I was in the hospital, I met a woman and she was telling me that if she would have had as much money as me and my family have that she would be so happy and that it would be anything she needed.
3. I hated her! Why am I this sick then??
4. I met a man, he's really nice and careful and I like him, but he is 18 years older than me.
5. My dogs, cat and my horses will for always be my biggest loves.
6. I hate the fact that my therapist never reacts when I tell her that I am suicidal. She nearly killed me.
7. I really love my therapist from the child psych ward, but it makes me be afraid that I soon won't be able to go there anymore.

And I am giving the award to:


Liberty, 'cause she is so lovely and I LOVE her blog!!


Emaschi, 'cause she is the most sensitive and talented person I've ever 'met'.


Rebecca, 'cause she is so strong, fighting and struggling so much!


Mina, 'cause she is still here, even though she feels so lost.


Laura, 'cause I always feel like she is speaking the words from my soul.




Montag

Chapter 2013, page 35 of 365

Day care unit starts on wednesday. I am so...nervous.
I don't really know what to think of it yet. I just feel that it's gonna be tough.
All these strangers, group therapies all day long, having breakfast and lunch with all of them.... Ooookay, when I think about it like that, I think I'm gonna die!!
There is so much going on inside my head at the moment. All these thoughts about life and death, fighting and giving up, healthy and sick. It's totally messing up my head.
Okay, that's dull. I kind of have nothing inside my head at the moment, that's why I'm not blogging so much. I'm really sorry for that.
Well, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but anyways I am sorry! That doesn't really make sense, you see I'm really confused and blurry and stuff like that at the moment. I think I better shut up for a while!



Dienstag

Back Home!!

No words for my happiness right now!!


Montag

Psych ward

Inpatient and 5th day without food.

Sorry for not blogging so much at the moment.
I'm in the psych ward now, closed section. And I have an absolutely awesome committal which keeps me here until they think I am ready to go...
Fuck my life.
I really need to get outta here!
Hope you are all okay. I am trying to keep you updated, but until I'm out here there will only be these ugly text posts...
Stay strong, beauties!!

Mittwoch

I will always love you, mum.

You think I do this for attention?!

If I cut for attention, do you really think I'd hide it from everybody for 3 years? If I cut myself for attention, do you think I'd be risking my relationship when I cut? If I cut for attention, do you think I'd be trying to get help for it? If I cut for attention, do you really think I make up lies like "my cat cut me"? If I cut myself for attention, do you really think I'd so something so (sometimes) painful just for attention?If I starved myself for attention, do you really think I'd lie about eating and being hungry? If I starved myself for attention, do you really think I'd be trying to get help? If I purge for attention, do you really think I'd go through hell just to throw up? If I purge for attention, do you really think I'd lie about why I'm in the bathroom for so long? If I attempted suicide for attention, do you really think I'd risk my life?
If I attempt suicide, it's because I couldn't kill the monster inside me, it wasn't for attention. If I cut myself, it's because I'm hurting, really badly. If I starve myself, it's because I feel fat and just want to be skinny. If I purge, it's because I can't stand having food in my stomach; I wouldn't go through all this hell just for attention!


Thanks God, it's all gonna end soon.

You call this a life? No, not anymore.
And I want it to stop. I want to leave and never come back.
I found closure with my life and that it won't get better now.
And that's okay, really. I am totally able to handle that. I'm fine with it.
And I know that it's gonna happen.


Dienstag

What a peaceful moment.

Close your eyes before you hit the ground. Works the best when it's quiet around you.
Most peaceful thing I experienced in the last weeks.
Fly. And. Die.


Being let down and not being understood is all I seem to experience these days.

Thanks for making my decision easier.
I'm not scared, not anymore. Finally.


Montag

You're a victim of your own mind.


This whole life is one fucking trigger!!!

There is only one thing I wish for... 
Let me die tonight. Finally.

Ambulance.

Every time I see an ambulance, it fucking triggers me.
I wish I would be in there. Dead or close to death, doesn't matter.
Someone actually caring.


I'm sorry.


Sonntag

Let's act normal, let's do an "Outfit Of The Day"-Post.

Are you, my amazing readers, interested in stuff like that?

OOTD
Jacket- Hugo Boss, Blouse- Vero Moda, Jeans- Cheap Monday, Shoes- Doc Martens, Bag- Michael Kors 


Freitag

Tu as mon cœur, pour toujours...

Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

I will miss you forever.


I could be found, I could be what you had saved.

You make me feel, and I really missed that.
I missed you through all the time and I am more than glad that you're back.
Back in my life. When I am with you, I can feel my heart, I can feel it beat in my chest.
And it's the only time of the day, week, year when I really want to live.



Kill off all my demons and my angels might die, too.


When you truly hate yourself, there's no being talked out of it.
No amount of "no, you're pretty" or "don't do it, you're loved" can snap you out of it.
Because when it comes down to it, they all feel like lies. Then you don't know who to trust or who to turn to. That's what hate is like.


I'll lie und you'll believe.

So hard to stay alive. Every day is a fight, over and over again.
Having a meeting with both my therapists, both are telling me that they actually can't let me go like this, when I feel like I do right now, when I can't promise that I'll come back next time. But both are letting me go anyways.
And you know why? Cause I am lying. All the time. And manipulating.
I am telling them that I can't promise to stay alive until next week. This is the truth. I can't.
But when they finally get to the point, when they don't want to let me go anymore, I'm just switching my moods. I don't want them to lock me up somewhere. I want it to be my decision whether I wanna live or not. I don't want them to take over control.
I'm just telling them that I will stay strong until next time. Just staying serious. And it always works...
I am glad it does. But on the other hand I hate that it is so easy to lie, to get back control, to stay in control.
I wish there would be someone to save me. I'm dying.


Donnerstag

I'm sad.

Depression is like one big, black hole. After it pulls you in, you can't get out.
So you spend countless nights crying yourself to sleep. You spend days in your room.
You feel like doing absolutely nothing. You're constantly hoping that things will get better, but also wondering if they ever actually will.
And the worst part? When you finally start to get happy again, depression pulls you back in. You crash harder than before.


Samstag

Photography

I've made a photography blog where I put "all the pictures" I made with my camera.
Well, at least the good ones of them.
Maybe you wanna take a look?
MVP Photography
There you go. Have fun and maybe tell me if you like them or not.

Thanks, loveliest.

Donnerstag

The razor blades call me.

They scream my name over and over. 
They beckon me to come, use them, just one more time.
To let the blood flow, to paint a picture on my skin that will last forever.
They scream at me to let the warm blood cover them.
I bite my lip and cling onto something, hoping, wishing to get away from the addiction
that took over my life.


"Na da hast du ja aber mal ordentlich hingelangt."  
Danach Stille und mein Arzt setzt sich erstmal.  

Mittwoch

By the way...

Is it just because I buildt it up for like 2 hours that I love my new closet so much?

Opinions? Maybe? Anyone?


Fat piece of shit. You could as well say: ME!

Nothing's working out anymore.
What I got for Christmas this year? Fat, I got fat! Nothing more...
Need to get back on track. Quite fast!
Gonna see my doctor and the therapist from the inpatient treatment this week, my "home therapist" by next week. Can't go there as the fat cunt I am right now... Just CAN'T!!

FML.