Hello Mister God...

If you really exist...
You should know how I fell right now.

And If you really exist....
You would be that kind and take me away from here.
Take me to hell, where people like me belong.

If you really exist....
Please just make it happen.

Loosing myself...

I miss you like hell.

I am so sorry.


Sorry about everything.
About everything I did.
And said.
I never meant to hurt you or to make you feel bad.
I am so sorry.

Dear C....

I am not sure about what to think about you and the whole thing now.

I would really wish to make it all good again, go back to the time
where everything was okay,
where I didn't destroy everything around me and
make everyone's life so fucking hard.
I really miss you.

I wish you all the best and hope you are happy now.

But this was the last thing for me to tell you.
You've been the last person to trust.

I've made a decision inside me, with me.
Don't talk to foreign people again.
Never trust anyone cause
1. you'll hurt them
2. they will leave you after a certain time.

So trusting anyone doesn't make sense for me anymore.

I am glad that you showed me and kept me from making this mistake again.
Thank you for that.

But what it means exactly:
This world is over for me for now.
Cause what is the point in life if you just live it on your own?

Sorry for posting, but THAT is the truth!!!!!

There are so many people out there
who will tell you that you can't.
What you've got to do is turn around and say



The Abyss.

And it feels like you're whole world is breaking together
with just ONE sentence.

Thank you for everything that you gave to me.
With what you said and with what you did to me.
Thank you that you've ALWAYS been there for me.

You helped me through the day. You helped me to survive the "hard hours".
Thank you for that time.
And now...
Now they're gone.

Game over.

Go and destroy your whole life, FAT BITCH!

Go and throw away everything you had.

Hurt all the people you really like.

Hurt them so bad that they leave you.

Hurt them as long till you're alone.

Alone and lonely. And FAT!

That's what you deserve!
You're GAME is OVER.

Sing along.

Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.

Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.

This is my first song. I hope you like it.
No, jk. But this is how I could call my first song. 
It might be a little egoistic cause it would be just about me. 
But it would be the truth. 
And talking the truth is the most important thing in life.
So it might be a good idea to sing a song like that.


Thumper, what did your father tell you this morning?
            - If you can't say something nice.... don't say nothing at all.

This movie is so right.
I think I should never be talking again....

I'm sorry, Mum.

Mixed up in my mind.
Disappointment. Fear. Grief. Insecurity. But also a bit of love.
I don't know what to do.
What to think.
What to say.

I just want it all to be over. Done. So that I don't have to make any decisions anymore.


Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true.

And even thought I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.



Dear Readers....

I am back. Definitely.
I decided to drop out of my clinical treatment.
And now I am home again.
I am still a little bit unsure about the whole thing 'cause I don't really know how it's gonna be here again.
But I think that it'll be better than being there.

I have been there for a month and it was a really tough and hard time for me.
It wasn't really the way of help that I actually thought I would need.
It was more "watching" you. Not really changing anything, it was more helping you through the day
but more under compulsion than really that you have the feeling of changing something.
I know it sounds confusing but I hope that you get at least a bit of what I am trying to tell you.
It was more "I am doing this cause they tell me to" and not "I am doing this cause I want it and I see the way we are going with what we do". You know?

So I think it was the right decision for me to go this way.
And I hope that it will still be the right decision in a week.

But for now you know about my current situation and
I will try to post some more now that I am back at home again.

THANK YOU for reading my blog.
You are all really wonderful and special and I am really thankful that you kept on reading my blog even if I didn't post that much. THANK YOU.


We're not in wonderland anymore, Alice.

You have to wake up and live.
But how do you define living?
Is it just being yourself or is it being there for others?
Is it doing what you think might be right for you?

Living is making decisions. Unfortunately.


I love you.
More than my life.
Please don't leave me.
Keep on fighting.
I know you can do it.
I know it so badly.
And deep inside, I hope you can see it, too.... someday.



I am so in love with Valentine and her songs.

Here is her newest one.
Black Sheep.
No words to describe. I just love it.

Another day at home.

So I am home this weekend.
Which means from 9 am to 5 pm. It's quite a lot.
But I am not sure if I really like being at home at the moment.
'Cause everything is ways harder than at the clinic.
You know, you have to deal with so much more things like your surrounding, the people you see and know and so on.
You don't have all that in the clinic. You can just concentrate on yourself.
But it's not like that when you at home.

Anyways, it's just today. And so I'll try to enjoy the day.
Maybe go for a walk with my dogs, play piano or meet my grandma.

I hope that you're not THAT angry about what happened, about me not blogging so much.
But I will try to write as much as I can.
I am really glad to have you all, my loveliest readers.

And it goes to my wonderful friend Ca.... Sch....n.
Thank you for everything. I am so glad to have you.
You were there for me, even if it was hard for you, too.
I miss you a lot and hope to see you soon.
It felt so good to talk to you yesterday.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I don't want to miss you in my life anymore.
You really became an important person for me.


Biggest sorry on earth.

Hello my loveliest readers.

I am really sorry for not posting such a long long long long time.

But there is one thing you need to know...
And I guess it will explain a lot about why I am not posting.

I got send to a psychiatry from my therapist. For recovery and getting away from my problems.
I am there now since 1 1/2 weeks. And I don't really know for how long I will stay there.
And this is the reason why I am not posting because I don't have any internet there.
But now I am home for some hours this weekend and so I seized the chance to tell you about it.

I hope you are not THAT angry and that you will hopefully remain true to my blog even if I am not blogging that much anymore.

Keep strong, stay healthy and all that.
I miss you all a lot.

In love,