Only 1 life.

Found this graffiti next to my psychiatrists' entrance.
Kinda strange and symbolic thing, don't you think?
And it always makes me sad that I am not using and living this ONE life.

I'm hungry but I can't eat.
I'm tired but I can't sleep.
I'm sad but I can not cry,
Suicidal but I can't die.


River flows in you

I'm currently working on this piano play. It's not perfect yet but I hope you like it anyways!
This is really the best thing to bring me into "neutral" mood at the moment.
Enjoy. And tell me what you think about it! 


Black Orchid

Have you ever been so lonely
No one there to hold?
Pull me in or disown me
And then climb inside.
My arms are open wide.
Have a look inside.

It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
Hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside.

I hear the water drip from the faucet.
It's sweetly falling in tune.
I'm gently closing the closet.
I fall to the floor 
And crawl to my room.
The though of ending it soon...
Just let me sleep in my room.

Hear me cry! Cry! Cry!
I hear a know at the front door.
Don't come in!
I try to look at you
But I can't stop shaking.
Leave me alone. Just go away.
Mother I'm so scared.

Empty bed and all of the sheets are gone.
They're wrapped around me and you.
All is quiet but the drop of a gun.
I want to belong.... to someone...
But maybe life's not for everyone.


Libby I'm so so so looking forward for you to be here! 
You keep me going. 
Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set in your ways, but keep your heart strong!
You make me strong and I am more than glad that there is someone like you, such an amazing person!
Thinking of our plans makes me smile so much!
Let's rock this shit, girl! Best memories come from crazy ideas!


Where is my mind?
I hate this day care thing. 
I think I'm gonna quit. 
Go back to work.
Feels better that way.
At the moment.
I really can't be there anymore.
These people.
They make me crazy.
And afraid.
So full of tension.
All day long. 
Only because of the situation there.
This doesn't feel right.
I don't feel right there.
I'm gonna quit. 
Do you think, it's okay?
I'm afraid.
Because I know,
My mum's gonna be mad at me.
But I just can't be there any longer.
I can't choose the right thing anyways.
Either way she's gonna be mad.
Or I'm gonna go crazy and be extremely suicidal again.
Tough decisions to make.
Did I ever mention,
I hate decisions.


All these thoughts.

Back as they were before. Like they were never gone.
I am so afraid that they might get stronger again. I am afraid that they might win.
I am afraid!


One day you'll meet a guy. And ultimately, he's going to find out.
How you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day. How your face looks underneath all your makeup. How you love chocolate, how you can hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy. How cranky you can get when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all your photos.
He's going to know everything about you.
And you know what?
    -He's still going to love you.

NO, just kidding. Fly, you're a fat fuck, full of scars, no one is ever going to love you. Did you really think this was true for you? Nah, this is just for normal people, not true for you!
You're ugly! No one is ever going to like or love you. Have fun dying all alone!

I feel so alone. I feel like nobody cares about me. That nobody would even realize if I was gone. Nobody would shed a tear, instead they'd feel relieved.
I feel like I'm nothing more than a waste of space.
And it kills me to know that it's all I'll ever be.


Do you...?

Do you ever just get mad because you're spending your only teenage years feeling like you want to jump off a cliff while other people are  having the time of their lives and being in love and just being good at things and you're just kind of...there.
I do. And it makes me cry. Every time I think about it, it makes me feel like the biggest loser on earth. It makes me cry because I think about all the lost time, the time I will never get back but which I wasted on being stuck in my illness and sick thoughts.
I really want to get better, but it frightens me, the thought of being normal, of having all these commitments again, the thought of my life moving on... What if I won't be able to live this new life? What if my new life will be moving too fast, if I can't keep up with it?
I am afraid of the change. But I am afraid of my present state of life, too.
So what to choose?

This picture explains my feelings so good. Running away from the dark, out of the dark, it seems to follow you, but you can still see light. At least if you're fast enough, faster than the shutting down lights. If you are fast enough, you might get into bright rooms, full of light, fresh air, vitality. But if you're too slow, you will have to stick with the darkness. And even the thought of this frightens me so much that it makes me wanna cry.
This shit is totally messing up with my mind. I don't know what to do, think, say or where to go anymore.


If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again.

I've got more scars than friends.

I am the nonentity.
No one hears me, 'cause I am the nonentity. No one sees me, 'cause I am the nonentity. No one understands me, 'cause I am the nonentity.
Then I hear a wonderful melody and I am following her. I'm dancing with her and I feel good. I'm dancing and dancing and I recognize much too late that this is gonna be my last dance in life, my dance with death.
But no one will miss me, no one will know my story, 'cause I am the nonentity. 

I got a blogaward from the beautiful Madame. You definitely gotta check out her blog, it's one of my favorites. 

So here are 7 stupid and totally uninteresting facts about me:

1. I clean my room every day, sometimes it looks like no one is even living in there anymore.

2. When I was in the hospital, I met a woman and she was telling me that if she would have had as much money as me and my family have that she would be so happy and that it would be anything she needed.
3. I hated her! Why am I this sick then??
4. I met a man, he's really nice and careful and I like him, but he is 18 years older than me.
5. My dogs, cat and my horses will for always be my biggest loves.
6. I hate the fact that my therapist never reacts when I tell her that I am suicidal. She nearly killed me.
7. I really love my therapist from the child psych ward, but it makes me be afraid that I soon won't be able to go there anymore.

And I am giving the award to:

Liberty, 'cause she is so lovely and I LOVE her blog!!

Emaschi, 'cause she is the most sensitive and talented person I've ever 'met'.

Rebecca, 'cause she is so strong, fighting and struggling so much!

Mina, 'cause she is still here, even though she feels so lost.

Laura, 'cause I always feel like she is speaking the words from my soul.


Chapter 2013, page 35 of 365

Day care unit starts on wednesday. I am so...nervous.
I don't really know what to think of it yet. I just feel that it's gonna be tough.
All these strangers, group therapies all day long, having breakfast and lunch with all of them.... Ooookay, when I think about it like that, I think I'm gonna die!!
There is so much going on inside my head at the moment. All these thoughts about life and death, fighting and giving up, healthy and sick. It's totally messing up my head.
Okay, that's dull. I kind of have nothing inside my head at the moment, that's why I'm not blogging so much. I'm really sorry for that.
Well, I don't even know if anyone is reading this but anyways I am sorry! That doesn't really make sense, you see I'm really confused and blurry and stuff like that at the moment. I think I better shut up for a while!