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Sonntag

Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 
Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 
Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 
Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 
Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 
Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. Save. Me. 

It hurts.

It hurts so much.
Life hurts, wounds hurt.
I want it to stop! I want life to stop!
It hurts and I can't take it anymore...
And there is just one way to stop life from hurting me...


I wish she could stay forever....

She makes me laugh, she makes me smile,
she makes me forget about all the things that make me wanna die.
She's like a little sun when I already forgot how wonderful this world can be.

I wish she could stay forever....
Thank you for being there, for being by my side.
You are wonderful. Thank you.


Donnerstag

Mittwoch

I want to run a blade across my skin.

And bleed and bleed and  
                                                       b  
                                                                    l  
                                                                                 e  
                                                                                              e  
                                                                                                          d .....

They only care when you're dead !


STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!


FAIL is characterized by ME.



Deeper and deeper.

Down to the bones.


Stop it !!! Stop it !!!! Stop it !!!

All this shit in my head !!!
Make it stop !!!


Montag

Can't explain how much I hate her !!!

YOU MAKE ME SICK !!!!!
KILL ME WITH YOUR WORDS !!!!!
COME ON, KILL ME !!!!!
RIGHT NOW !!!!!





Freitag

Donnerstag

Nobody will.


I am so afraid, I could die...

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. 
FUCKING PANIC!!!!
Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. 


it's really not what I want !!


Lost inside my head. Who am I ? Where am I ?



Dienstag


I really don't want to, but....


I'm nothing...


Montag

Thank you for talking again.

This really made my last days.
I was so glad when we finally messaged again.
It feels so good and I am so sorry about what happened.
Thank you for being in my life again, at least a bit.

And for now, I just wish you all the best for your next weeks.
I will be with you in my thoughts.
And I would love to meet you there, visit you.
I'd be so glad...
Stay strong, never give up on what you want the most, on what you're fighting for!

THANK YOU....



I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.


WHAT THE FUCK, MUM !!!!


Sonntag

Goodbye, I'm sorry.

Time has run out for me,
everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.
It's so hard,
lost in the world's confusion and I need to leave for awhile.
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile,
So goodbye, I'll miss you.

And I'm sorry,
but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless,
no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry,
but I've waited too long,
so here's my goodbye,
no one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears.

It's been the years of abuse,
neglected to treat the disorder that's controlled my youth
For so long,
I'm in a fleshy tomb buried up above the ground.
It's no use,
why should I hold on it's been five years, don't need one more.
So goodbye, life's abuse.

And I'm sorry,
but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless,
no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry,
but I've waited too long,
so here's my goodbye,
no one will cry over me,
I'm not worth any tears.


Thought might kill, I promise!


Suicide.

I wish I had the courage to finally end it all.
I really wish I had.
Can't stand these feelings, these voices, this life anymore.
It feels like crying inside all day, all night.
I can't go to bed at night because I'm to afraid of waking up in the morning and of living another day. I really want to cry, but I just can't!
Don't wanna be this empty any longer.
It feels like eternal winter inside my heart, inside my soul.
I am always alone, no matter how many people are around me.
I dream of dying at night.
Please let me be dead.
Let someone else kill me so I'll finally be free.


Cut me open.

Cut me down to my bones.
Hit me.
Kick me.
Smash my head against the wall.
Punch me in my face.

It's what I deserve.


Fat Fat Fat Bitch.

Eat and she'll be happy.
Just eat.
You'll be her good girl.
Just eat!
FUCKING EAT!!!

And after that... go and cut yourself into pieces.

I hate this fight!!! I really don't wanna do it anymore.
I don't want this inner fight no more!!!


Game on.


Now its time to start the game. A checkered board. 


There is black and there is white. There is winning and there is losing. 


There is up and there is down. There are simple rules. 


Don't try to make it more complicated, because it isn't, not at this stage. 


It is like Snakes and Ladders in reverse, the winner is the one who gets to the bottom, who goes down, who slides, not climbs.
Rules : Lower the numbers on the scale
Shrink: get smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller, disappear.
And most of all, bluff your opponents. 
Are you ready?






And the voices are getting louder again.

They scream at me, they tell me how bad, fat and fake I am.
How worthless I am.
They tell that the only thing I deserve is death.
I don't want to hear them anymore.
But I don't know how to get them out of my head.


Dying seems to make sense.


Samstag

I wish I knew.


Help... I really need it.

But no matter how loud I scream, nobody will ever hear me.
Because there are no words coming out of my mouth!


This pain is just too real...


I'm afraid of going back to all that I tried so hard to leave behind.

I'm afraid of the night, of my weight, of the cuts.
Please just make it stop!!!


Freitag

A grandmother is someone with silver in her hair and gold in her heart.

Today I went to my grandmum's house just to hang out a little.
I love this lady so much, also cause she so much not like an old lady, not like a grandma.
She's more like a friend who's just a little older than you.
She really IS a good friend of me.

She is my everything.
Granny, I LOVE YOU.


Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.

And this is a damn lonely thing.




Cassie's perfect in what she thinks.


I'M NOT SCARED!!!


I shouldn't tell you...

But I really do miss you.
It doesn't matter if I do or if I don't because you don't even care.
It seems like and I do also know that you never ever wanna have normal contact with me again, like a real people connection cause I destroyed it all, but... I miss you.
Sometimes I really do.
When I think about all the things we had, the little secrets, all the stories we shared.
I feel like they are all gone now.
They are gone and they went to somebody who I thought would care about them and who will always be one of the closest person to me.
But now they went to somebody who just seemed to walk away. Or was it me who walked away? Maybe it was... Or maybe I made you walk away... I don't know.
Our ways divided, everybody is living on his own now and well...doesn't even know just a little thing about the other.

This is not what I thought what "forever" meant.

"Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and looks around once in a while, you could miss it."





Donnerstag

The way she wants to control every piece of my life...

It makes me go crazy!!!!

THIS is MY life, which means I can do whatever I want!!!!
It's not about YOU!! It's about ME!