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Freitag

Approaching someone with an Eating Disorder!

Something funny. Cause it's New Years Eve.

It's a long journey to perfection.
Cross what you have.
Italic what you want.

1. A cell phone.
2. A hair straightener.
3. Your own computer.
4. Your own car.
5. Chanel/Dior/Gucci sunglasses.
6. A designer purse.
7. A boyfriend.
8. A curling iron.
9. Every Fall Out Boy CD.
10. Something from American Eagle.
11. Something from Hot Topic.
12. Something from Hollister.
13. Something from Abercrombie.
14. A pet.
15. Some type of trophy/award.
16. Full/Queen-size bed.
17. King-size bed.
18. An iPod.
19. Something from a Professional Team.
20. Ever had more than $100 at a time.
21. Monster, Full Throttle, Amp, Red Bull, etc. in your fridge.
22. Something from Green Day.
23. Xanga.
24. Myspace.
25. Makeup.
26. A desk in your room.
27. A hill in your backyard.
28. DDR.
29. A pair of skis.
30. An alarm clock.
31. A pair of ice skates.
32. Rollerblades.
33. A treadmill.
34. Your own phone line.
35. AIM
36. Yahoo!
37. MSN.
38. ICQ.
39. AOL.
40. Perfume/cologne.
41. Bath lotion.
42. Necklaces and bracelets.
43. A journal/diary.
44. Joghurt and peaches in your fridge.
45. X's in your screen name.
46. A birthday in September.
47. A famous relative.
48. A relative in a different state/ province.
49. A disowned relative.
50. A relative that lives in Florida.
51. Your own bathroom.
52. Your own band.
53. Any rock band shirts.
54. A guitar.
55. A hammock.
56. A basketball hoop.
57. A soccer net.
58. A bike.
59. An electric scooter.
60. A minivan.
61. A.V.C. Andrews book.
62. A friend that does drugs/alcohol/smokes.
63. A locker at school.
64. A baby.
65. Sparkly blue nail polish.
66. A "Vote for Pedro" shirt.
67. The movie "40 Year Old Virgin".
68. A promise ring.
69. A pool table.
70. A swimming pool.
71. A trampoline.
72. Livejournal.
73. Flip Flops.
74. Steve Madden shoes.
75. The Sims 2.
76. A ping pong table.
77. An air hockey table.
78. A basement.
78. Converse.
79. Construction paper.
80. Markers, crayons, etc....
82. Coloring books.
83. A nice singing voice.
84. GameCube.
85. Xbox.
86. Playstation.
87. PS2.
88. PSP.
89. Some type of disease.
90. Rose Red movie.
91. VCR/DVD player.
92. A mom or dad.
93. An older brother.
94. An older sister.
95. A younger brother.
96. A younger sister.
97. A sled.
98. A lake/pond/river/ocean near your house.
99. Friends who like you.




Hahaha, so we all had fun again this year. Yaaaaaay! :-/

Conversation II

I need you.

Why?

Cause I love you.

You don't.

I want you here with me.
Here.

Where?

Here.
Here. With me.

Why?

Cause you are the best.

The best what?

The best that ever happened to me.

I-

STOP.
Believe me.
Just one time.
I love you.
And I always will.

I know you do, but-

STOP.
I need you to be here with me.

Why?

WHY?
Are you really asking for the why?

Yes, I do.

Okay... once again.

Once again?

Yeah, once again.
Cause I told you a lot of times.

What?

What I'm gonna tell you now.

So...

I love you.
And you are my only reason to be here on this world.
You are my reason to stay.
And if you are telling me that you wanna leave.
My reason for living is gone.

But... I don't want you to feel like that.
I don't want you to feel like that about me, because of me.

You can't change it.
If you're gonna leave, I'll leave too.
There is no other way.

Please.... Don't-

STOP.
It's you and me until the end.
Remember?

Sure, I do.
But it wasn't meant that way...

It was, you just don't know.
You just didn't thought of THAT way....

New Year's Resolutions

- Get away from self-harm!    THIS IS WHAT I WANT THE MOST!

- But also: Getting my goal weight    THIS IS ALL I WANT!!!
  which means: Being satisfied with my body by getting to the weight I like

- Getting a place for my placement (best thing would be modeling agency)

- Having more contact to my daddy

- Spending good times with my friends
  which means: Stopping to separate and to isolate

- Being on the same wavelength with my mommy
  which means: Stopping the controversy

- Keep my horse in shape for the next competition season
  WHAT I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO cause I just LOVE my horse :)

- Getting my driver's license

- Keeping my wonderful BEST BEST friend in the world

- Earning money by a temp job


Wow...this is more than I thought.
But this is what I want.
Still hoping to get this.

So eating is the first thing that will stop at 0:01 a.m.



I WISH A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS!!
AND I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK AND SUCCESS IN THE NEW YEAR.
I HOPE THAT YOU WILL GET AND ACHIEVE WHATEVER YOU WANT.

Hope to see you all back here next year on my blog.

I am soooo glad to have such wonderful readers.
And I am really thankful!

THANK YOU SO MUCH for this wonderful blogger-year 2010. :)

See you all next year, hopefully.
xxxx

The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence...

- Paul Simon, 1964

Conversation.

What are you doing?

Starving.

Fasting.

Why?

I don't know.

What do you want?

I don't know.

What are you hoping to achieve?

I don't know.

Well then why-

I DON'T KNOW.

Ha, do you even know who you are?

No.

Is this what you want?

Why?

What?

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

Look at yourself.

Who are you? Feeling proud?

Feeling happy?

I-

Feeling anything?

Empty.

Empty.

Angry.

Confused.

SO confused.

Frustrated.

Frustrated.

Lonely.

Lonely.

Goddammit, scared.

Wait, what?

Wait, why?

WHY?

Who?

Who am I?

Who are you?

I am you.

Who are you?

I am yourself, you, you, I, me.

What?

I am WE.

I- what?

Exactly, I'm you, from years, all this time, we are this.

We are what?

What?

You don't even know yourself anymore.

Do you even know what you are?

What do you want?

No... I-

Oh, just do it.

Starve. Starve. Starve.

No.

Recover.

No. Binge. Binge.

No.

No.

Purge.

Cut.

Starve.

Must be empty.

Be strong. Steel ribs.

Binge.

Must binge.

Must not eat.

Be thin.

Be happy.

Not both?

Not possible.

No.

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Starve.

STARVE.

STARVE.

Fast.

5 days.

8 days.

I have not eaten for 12 days.

Never eat again.

Never.

Never.

Be skeletal.

BE NOTHING.

Be everything.

Wait, 12 days?!

What happened to recovery?

Nothing.

Everything.

It is your sisters birthday.

Eat.

Eat.

Be healthy.

No.

Can't.

Can't stop.

This is beyond control.

MUST.

MUST STARVE.

No.

Can't eat.

Won't eat.

Skin.

And.

Bones.

Why?

WHY?

I DO NOT KNOW.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I don't know.

Be normal.

I can't.

Starve.

Empty.

Food is wrong.

No, food is fuel.

Shut up.

BINGE.

Oreos.

Dairy milk.

Galaxy.

Eat it.

Eat it.

No.

Can't.

WANT TO.

I will.

NO, WHY?

It's who I am.

Binging is not who you are.

DO it.

Yes.

NO.

I want to.

Why?

Hungry.

You don't know what hungry is anymore.

I could.

I might.

You don't.

I will binge, like a pig.

You ARE a pig.

Fat.

Fat. Fat.

Starve.

NO.

Yes.

I want to be normal.

You're way past that.

Too late.

This is not your choice anymore.

Is anything?

No.

No.

Never again.

Binge.

Starve.

Starve.

Don't purge.

What?

Won't.

WHY?

Just don't.

DO NOT CUT.

I won't, I swear.

Unless....

Unless what?

Don't you dare.

I can't...

I'll try not to...

Don't fast.

What?

No, I need it.

Nobody need to starve themselves.

I DO.

No, you don't.

I do, I don't know any other way.

Way of what? Weight loss?

No. LIFE.

I need to starve.

Starve and binge and starve.

It is the only way I know how to live.

No, no. Be normal.

I can't.

I don't know how.

Don't make me eat.

Please, PLEASE I BEG YOU.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME EAT.

You have to eat.

No...

Please...

I'll binge.

I know.

You will binge.

And then you will starve.

I don't want to...

I can't live another way...

This u-

Oh god, this used to be easy.

What did?

LIVING DID.

GODDAMMIT WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

FOR GODS SAKE I DON'T KNOW.

STARVE.

BINGE. STARVE. STARVE. STARVE.

BINGE. EMPTY. EMPTY.

I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS.

DON'T YOU DARE GAIN.

Be a perfect daughter.

No, perfection doesn't exist.

I know that.

Why do this then?

I don't know.

IT'S NOT ABOUT WEIGHTLOSS ANYMORE.

OKAY?!

OKAY?!

GET THAT? UNDERSTAND THAT?

Just help me...

Please....

PLEASE HELP ME....



(Source: Skinny obsession)

Mittwoch

Bracelets.

I walked through the hallway holding my wrists,
hoping no one will see me like this.
He looks at me, scared what he'll find.
He never thought I had these things in mind.
He asks me "...is there any more?"
Looking at him with tears in my eyes I whisper a simple reply...
"Ever wonder what bracelets were for?"



Nothing.

                 She: What's the matter with you?

                 Me: Nothing.


Nothing slowly clotting my arteries.
Nothing slowly numbing my soul.
Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me.
When I am nothing they will say, surprised, in the way that they are forever surprised,
'But there was nothing the matter with her.'

Still there and alive but invisible, in some way.

Dienstag

Fail.

I am ugly.
I am worthless.
I am stupid.
I am a disappointment.
I am nothing.
You can't tell me I'm not.
Only I have full knowledge of myself.
No one else does.
And this is what I think of myself.
This is what I am.

I do things that will help you.
I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress.
I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age,
the struggle of trying to please everyone as well.
Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.
[...]
You are mine and mine alone.
Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back.
When others comment, ignore them.
Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tried to take me away.
I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.


Cherrybomb.

Hello Daddy.
Hello Mom.
I'm your ch- ch- ch- ch- ch- ch- cherrybomb.


















Hello world,
I'm your wild girl.
I'm your ch- ch- ch- ch- ch- ch- cherrybomb.


Sexiest Man alive.

Yes....
I am sorry.
But I just LOVE Ian Somerhalder.
I am totally in love with his face, his eyes.
And I love him in "Vampire Diaries"....

Yes... I am "Team Damon".




Discipline.

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you dream it, you can become it.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

Together.

One day,
we will be standing together.
We will be okay.
We will be good.
We will love ourselves.
We will be free.
And we will be flying.
Flying up into the air.

And I can promise you: We will love it!

Freitag

Hey Santa...

I AM BACK HOME.
And I also won't go back to treatment center after Christmas.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas time.
And I will be blogging a bit more now that I am back home.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, dearest reader!

Montag

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love.
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever.

Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back.

My dearest Reader.

I am sorry for telling you.
But I am going into a treatment-center tomorrow.
So I won't be posting that much.
But I will always try to post, when I get like a Internet connection.

I PROMISE.

I wish you all the best and
I hope that you will remain faithful to my blog...
Even if I am not posting that much.

I love you all,
wish you a lot of luck.
Take care, everyone of you.

Thank you for reading my blog.

In love,
yours Fly.

The lovely bones.

These were the lovely bones
that had grown around my absence:
The connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost,
but often magnificent -
that happened after I was gone.
And I began to see things in a way
that let me hold the world without me in it.
The events that my death brought were merely the bones of a body
that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future.
The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.


Sonntag

I miss you.

You're are like the sun for me.
My air to breathe.
My pain to feel.
My light to see.
My moon to sleep.
My feet to walk.
My hands to touch.

You make me feel alive.


Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Goodbye... I'm sorry.

Time has run out for me.
Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.
It's so hard, lost in the world confusion.
And I need to leave for a while.
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile.
So goodbye, I'll miss you.

And I'm sorry but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

It's been the years of abuse.
Neglected to treat the disorder,
that controls my youth for so long.
I'm in a fleshy tomb, buried up above the ground.
It's no use, why should I hold on?
It's been two years, don't need one more.
So goodbye, life's abuse.


And I'm sorry but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.


The Tale.

She greeted Death as an old friend,
and together they departed this world as equals.

Samstag

Touch of night.

The night so cold,
a wind that plays around my hair.
which takes my tears henceforth.

The night so silent,
it makes me shiver,
it makes me seem immortal.

The moon so pale,
as pale as my skin,
as white as the clouds above me.

The stars,
which shine in the eternal luminous light,
the never forgotten ones.

If only this touch of night would carry me away,
to where I am alone,
where nobody knows me,
where my tears are,
where I can be free.

Freitag

The last Goodbye.

Just one little step.

Lost and broken.

You gotta choose!

Do you know the feeling of actually feeling good,
being around people you love,
doing whatever you want to and what you like

but STILL not feeling good,
still not feeling alive and
still not feeling as if you really want to live,
as if you want to keep on living this life until the end?

What would you do if you are in such a situation?
Cause I really don't know.


















I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff.
I have the choice:

Jumping, which would be so easy to do.
Just one step,
just a little little step,
no more fear,
no more pain,
no more thoughts.

Or going back to the tightened ground,
back to earth.
Starting all over.
But before you have to fight a lot,
do a lot of work,
work on your life,
your problems,
work on everything that keeps yourself away from feeling alive.

Which way would you choose?
And which way do I want to choose?

I am really thinking about ending all this here.
It would be so much easier.
I could be happy again.
I could be free.
And it would last forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.
Forever.

Dienstag

Hello Mister God...

If you really exist...
You should know how I fell right now.

And If you really exist....
You would be that kind and take me away from here.
Take me to hell, where people like me belong.

If you really exist....
Please just make it happen.

Loosing myself...

I miss you like hell.

I am so sorry.

Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

Sorry about everything.
About everything I did.
And said.
I never meant to hurt you or to make you feel bad.
I am so sorry.

Dear C....

I am not sure about what to think about you and the whole thing now.

I would really wish to make it all good again, go back to the time
where everything was okay,
where I didn't destroy everything around me and
make everyone's life so fucking hard.
I really miss you.

I wish you all the best and hope you are happy now.

But this was the last thing for me to tell you.
You've been the last person to trust.

I've made a decision inside me, with me.
Don't talk to foreign people again.
Never trust anyone cause
1. you'll hurt them
2. they will leave you after a certain time.

So trusting anyone doesn't make sense for me anymore.

I am glad that you showed me and kept me from making this mistake again.
Thank you for that.

But what it means exactly:
This world is over for me for now.
Cause what is the point in life if you just live it on your own?

Sorry for posting, but THAT is the truth!!!!!

There are so many people out there
who will tell you that you can't.
What you've got to do is turn around and say

"WATCH ME."

Sonntag

The Abyss.

And it feels like you're whole world is breaking together
with just ONE sentence.

Thank you for everything that you gave to me.
With what you said and with what you did to me.
Thank you that you've ALWAYS been there for me.

You helped me through the day. You helped me to survive the "hard hours".
Thank you for that time.
And now...
Now they're gone.

Game over.

Go and destroy your whole life, FAT BITCH!

Go and throw away everything you had.

Hurt all the people you really like.

Hurt them so bad that they leave you.

Hurt them as long till you're alone.

Alone and lonely. And FAT!



GO AND DIE!
That's what you deserve!
You're GAME is OVER.

Sing along.

Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.

Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.
Fat Bitch. Fat Bitch. You are a fat bitch.

This is my first song. I hope you like it.
No, jk. But this is how I could call my first song. 
It might be a little egoistic cause it would be just about me. 
But it would be the truth. 
And talking the truth is the most important thing in life.
So it might be a good idea to sing a song like that.