My Suicide.

Suicide is a form of murder - premeditated murder.
It isn't something you do the first time you think of doing it.
It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive.
A successful suicide demands food organization and a cool head,
both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.

Birds.

There is one and the same bird in front of my window.
It's just flying around there since like five minutes.
He looks so cute, so free.
I was thinking of how this little bird just flies around all day.
Looking for all the things he needs in life: Family, food and a place to sleep.
That's it. That's his pursuit for happiness.
It seems so simple.
I wish I'd be that bird.

You gotta look for the right way.

Sure. And there are a lot of it.
You gotta look for the one that will lead you to where you want to go.
It's gonna be a tough and long search.
But what if you haven't got any strength left to go on?
What if you feel like you're gonna break?
This ain't a road with benches on the side.
This ain't no walk in the park, you can't just relax in the sun for a moment.
Either way you keep on walking or you're gonna die.

That's the catch.

We're all going to die anyway.

So why not take some work from death.
I think he has quite a lot to do anyway.

I just... I can't do it anymore.

I really can't do it anymore.
I want it to stop.
I've lost so many friends just through the way I am.
I think I've lost the love of my life and I'm not just saying it like that, he really IS the love of my life and I can't even think of anyone else being by my side.
I am a fat fuck and I am the most useless piece of shit.

I'm just done.

He's killing me... And I really mean it literally!

Fear.

Afraid. The girl I am living with is gone for the next 4 days.
That means there is no one to act for and there is no one who might notice that I am in bathroom quite long.
There is no one here who will notice a thing.
Everything I will do will be a secret.
I am afraid of what will happen. I can feel it inside me.
It is there.
I want to be saved. Not saved from this place, saved from myself.