So much going on at the moment.
I am not doing well... Not at all. I had a preliminary talk in a treatment center. It was so hard for me to go there, so many feelings, so many thoughts. Will they take me for serious? Am I sick enough for getting help? Do I really need help and will this be the right way of help for me? So many thoughts are wandering through my head since then. The therapist was quite nice and I had a good feeling in that way but I am not sure if I will choose this clinic in the end. I need help, I know it. I don't want to live like this anymore. Either way I choose the way of going into treatment or I'll die. I know it. I will die by suicide or my "accident". I don't want to live like this anymore, so these are my two choices. I have to choose. To live and let my illness go or to cling to it and die. Seems to be an easy decision, right? But it really isn't.
This illness, all these diseases have become part of me. They are like part of my personality, a part that has become quite big over the years. So I would have to let go what makes me the person I am right now. It's a bad, sick part of my personality but nevertheless it is a part of it! So what would you think if you got to let yourself go? To loose what spots you. It's quite hard. It would make me a nobody. It would make me look like a blank sheet of paper. All that was written on it was erased. Only the marks of what was written on it once are left. My scars. They will stay forever...
And then there are the scars that no eraser, no doctor, no medicine will ever be able to heal: The ones on my soul. And these are the ones that hurt the most. Will I ever be able to forget? To completely let go? Will it be that easy?
I don't know... The only thing I know is: If I won't change, my diseases will change me. Even more than they already did now. They will turn me into a monster, a living dead. And one day, I will be gone forever. And I will never come back.