There are three parts in me, you could say three different person.
First one is kinda like a witch, the monster, the evil voice. She got green eyes, glowing in the dark and she decides on what is going on inside my head. She decides on the hate, my thoughts about living or dying, on what I eat or not.
And this voice would do anything that is in her power to see me die. You don't deserve to be happy. Everyone would be better off without you. You made ways too many mistakes, no one will ever like you. Just look around, you got NO ONE!
She is always showing me possibilities to kill myself, every minute of the day, in every smallest thing you could find. Even if it was only a string to hold the straw together, maybe a tree, a stone on the wayside, just anything. And she really got powerful. She is telling me to do things, to say things that I never would. If I am mean to other people, it's mostly her. With it I don't want to apologize all the mistakes that I made but what I'm trying to say is, it's not always me. She is always in my mind, always making me do things, say things. And she will only leave me alone when I am all hers. When I stop listening to others. Or when I am finally dead.
Thereby we are getting to the other parts of me. Well, let's say: When all my mind is a 100%, then this evil voice, the witch has got 65% of me.
The second person... It looks like a real human. But more like a person standing in the fog. You can see its contours but you can't see its face, its expression. Because it doesn't have one in this case. It has no face, it is blank. It is only a shadow, the shadow of the evil voice. It believes in every word the witch is saying and it would do anything she is telling it to do because it is only a shadow. A shadow can't be powerful enough to fight such a strong person like the witch. But the shadow learned to life with its fate and accepts it. The life as a shadow, taking orders for others.
The shadow is always there for others, even when it doesn't feel good or strong. Even when it feels like the world is crashing. It is always there. Because it isn't oblivious of its needs.
It is only waiting for orders from the evil voice. The voice knows exactly how much pain the shadow feels when she is putting it into such a situation. But this is what she wants. She wants the shadow to feel pain, she wants the shadow to completely forget about itself.
When the shadow is thinking about telling someone about its feelings, the witch starts to shout at it. You are NOT allowed to tell anyone, you don't deserve this, you are a nobody, so shut your ugly mouth, go away, go somewhere where no one will ever find you and die! Nobody should know how much power I really have over you, nobody should know that you are slowly becoming me, you are becoming the evil voice.
This shadow is about 25%, makes a total of 90% by now. But there is still the third part.
The third part...is the good one. The good one, she is a fairy. She looks a bit like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan. She is glowing, she is the light. Her light might not be so strong but sometimes she can make it through the darkness and starts to shine, to light up the room for some time. But the slightest blast can make her disappear for a long long time.
She believes in me, she believes in that everything is gonna be okay, that I will be happy someday. But this little fairy has to fight, a lot. Against the powerful witch, against the evil voice.
The fairy knows exactly that telling all this right know will get her and the shadow in big big trouble later but for know she is fighting to bring the story to light. The good part in me still believes in love, in happiness while the other 90% just exist of hate, anger, sorrow, self-doubt. But this side, the good side has become so weak, so small. It has become so hard for her to fight all these battles. She slowly starts to recognize that she hasn't got a chance. But something keeps her fighting, a really really small light in her heart keeps her alive. And she won't stop until the darkness has completely devour her.
This is what is inside me, the dark side has become so powerful, so strong and it is getting more and more each day. It makes me be afraid, the voice inside my head. I don't wanna die but living like this seems harder to me than to finally end it all. I am afraid that this voice will cover my whole soul and that I will become the evil voice.
I am afraid that it will be her, who will someday pull the razor too strong across my arm. That it will be her, who will someday make me walk one more step to the front when the train arrives. That it will be her, who will make me stop moving when the truck comes closer and closer.
She makes me afraid and I start to think that it would be easier if I would just let her win...