So hard to stay alive. Every day is a fight, over and over again.
Having a meeting with both my therapists, both are telling me that they actually can't let me go like this, when I feel like I do right now, when I can't promise that I'll come back next time. But both are letting me go anyways.
And you know why? Cause I am lying. All the time. And manipulating.
I am telling them that I can't promise to stay alive until next week. This is the truth. I can't.
But when they finally get to the point, when they don't want to let me go anymore, I'm just switching my moods. I don't want them to lock me up somewhere. I want it to be my decision whether I wanna live or not. I don't want them to take over control.
I'm just telling them that I will stay strong until next time. Just staying serious. And it always works...
I am glad it does. But on the other hand I hate that it is so easy to lie, to get back control, to stay in control.
I wish there would be someone to save me. I'm dying.