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As I told you...

As I told you, I am back now...
But I somehow want to make my blog a lite different.
I want to concentrate on the texts I post and less on pictures.
So my blog will be mainly text posts only.
Maybe there will be a picture once in a while but not often.
So...
Wow...
A lot happened since I was last on here.
I don't know if anyone would or will read this (except of BLACK BUTTERFLY.. SO happy you're still on here and following!!) or is interested in what  happened but I will write it down for me and for you, who might read this...
Last year was trouble. There is no other word for it. I spend nearly all year in the hospital, psych ward or intensive care. I tried to kill myself several times, nearly succeeded once. I hate the fact that they were able to get me back... I wished they would just have let me go when I needed it the most...
So my "psych ward odyssey" ended on November 13th when my lawyer "punched" me out of that ward. They never would have let me go. They wanted me to be in a "closed living institution", something like  a closed psych ward where you stay for one or two or whatever amount of years... You really live there. And that's not what I wanted. So I started to lie like a fucking bitch just to get out of there, I was talking to my mum and she got me a lawyer to get me out of there because for sure the ward people knew I was lying. But in the end I got out of there and am free since then.
But as we all know that doesn't mean that I'm feeling any better. I had big big troubles this year with my anorexia, my social anxiety and my fears and panic attacks. They were worst somewhen in August/September... Then I decided to go to another country for working there, at the end of September. I had to gain weight for that, I was being forced by my doctor, otherwise I wouldn't have been allowed to go.
Actually my plan was to starve myself to death here... But I was feeling so frightened and anxious and alone and all that, that starving was my smallest problem. I cried hysterically every other night, it sometimes made me faint because of the fear getting so big. And this is where I am now... I barely ate the last 3 days. It makes me feel a little better but it makes my dissociations and fears even bigger.
My plan was to stay until christmas, but I'm not even sure if I will make it that long.
My head is such a mess and I don't even know how to explain my thoughts to you.
I just feel so lost but I don't want them to know that's why I can't just go home now...

Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone...

Kommentare:

black butterfly hat gesagt…

Da ist im dem letzten Jahr ja einiges passiert bei dir. Ich hoffe, dir geht es inzwischen wieder etwas besser?
Liebe Grüße ♥

Fly hat gesagt…

Danke, Liebes. Ja das stimmt wohl. Naja, es ist ein ewiges auf und ab und wird es wohl auch immer bleiben. Ich versuche mir immer einzureden, dass es alles halb so schlimm ist, aber wenn ich dann mal wieder am Ende meiner Kräfte angelangt bin und nichts mehr geht, merke ich, wie ich mich selbst und NUR mich selbst belüge. Den Zwischenweg habe ich noch nicht gefunden...