Fuck the world.

Life becomes less about living and more about surviving. With these demons in my head, it still feels nearly impossible. They make every day of my life the worst nightmare I ever had. And the problem is you can't wake up and tell someone about it because they won't be able to tell you that it's just a dream. You have to keep going and if you tell someone, they won't understand. They might stare at you, some might be talking behind your back, some might be telling you that they can understand even if they never will be able to totally understand it. But they all will never ever be able to look at you the same way than before. Welcome, you are now officially a monster.

It's too late.

You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down.
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.
And I need you like a heart needs a beat but that's nothing new.
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue and you say sorry like an angel, heaven's not the same with you but I'm afraid it's too late to apologize.

I needed you and I will always need you.
And I know that when you're gone there will be nothing else to hold me anymore.
And there will be no one to save me anymore.

I am like the fox in Le Petite Prince.

Numbed thoughts. Lonely. Just hope - the rest is dead.

Pulsating temples - pumping. Disappointment through the soulbroken body.

Fearing and trembling that the thin ice might break - rooted, no movement - frozen.

Heart is fighting. Head is trailing off. Hours turn into days.

All blood is freezing in domestic warmth. 

There is no answer - breath keeps on pausing and listening - can't hear a word. 

Fingertips are shaking, the lovesick heart is sobbing quietly. 

Tears - salty - red-hot - burning the tender face.

Everything will be okay - won't it?

The courage, obeying the mind, is missing. Everything's other than volitional - 

Always the same roads - giving love to another - a broken heart is left.

There is nothing than a scream in the end.

You don't hear it - keep on walking away.

You don't turn around anymore.

Soft paws - a pride of coyotes - Fight! Cramp. Until you - can't fight no longer.

Missing.

Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side.

I love you two a lot and I can't wait to be with you again.

Silence is the most powerful scream.

I wish I could just break free. Break free from what I am.
I wanna scream out loud that I can't do this anymore. I wish I could cry for help.
But I know I am not worth it. I don't deserve help. I has to be even worse before I am allowed to get help. I need to die before I get help.
I wish I could just tell my boss that I need therapy, more than once or twice a month.
I wish I could tell my therapist that I need help, that I'm not strong enough. That now there is this point from which I can't live anymore.
But I just can't. I can't speak. I can't accept help.
Because deep inside I know that I am just a waste of space and a waste of time. Therapists should waste their time with harder cases than me, they should give their time to people who really need help. Who deserve it.
I am just nothing.

Beauty from pain.

And then the darkness surrounds me. I know I'm alive but it feels like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over. My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made. I try to keep warm but I just grow colder. I feel like I'm slipping away.

 

Xoxo

I have a tattoo with your name right above my heart
With anchors so everyone knows where mine belongs.
A light house next to it
No matter how foggy it's leading me.
Martins around my neck
So everyone sees that we're free.

We believe in a light that never disappears.


I miss you, I fucking miss you. I want you right next to me and I can't stand this feeling anymore. I know that when you finally decide about us, then it will be my end.
My final end.
Cause you are the person I am living for. You are the one to save me.
And when you're gone, then there will be no one to save me anymore. Save me from the demons in my head, same me from the nightmares. There will be no one to hold my hand, to hold me until I fall asleep, no one to displace my nightmares.
I will be gone.