Loosing and loosing and loosing.

I'm loosing quite a lot at the moment.
I am loosing a lot of friends, people I really need in my life. I am loosing my strength to fight. And I am also loosing my strength to work. My doctor diagnosed an extreme anemia so working is quite hard for me currently. Getting up in the morning is not the hardest thing anymore, getting through the day without breaking down is even harder. Breaking down because my body isn't working right anymore or breaking down in tears. That's the question that leads me through the day. Will I make it without breaking down in any of these ways? I am also loosing a lot of weight, for me it is easier to compensate my fears, doubts and weaknesses with loosing weight than with self-harm. I mean, it's both quite easy and it's hard to work with both, too. But I am disappointing less people when I only loose weight. So here I go. My friend- number 5 - he is back. And I am really happy, it really makes me smile when I step on the scale and I see the numbers drop. I love it, it feels like a drug, my drug.
And it helps me getting over him. I miss him and I hate that it is so hard to finally talk about it, to solve the problem between us. I wish it would be like it used to be. I wish I could tell him. I wish I could. I wish I would.

I am feeling so numb at the moment. The only thing I really feel are my bones. They are the only thing that makes me feel something. There is nothing else. No feelings and I don't know how much longer I can survive without feeling a thing. I don't know how much longer I can survive with all this hate inside me, hate against myself. I don't know.

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