I buried hope.

I'm tired of it, life. All these promises that it will get better and that you just have to hang in there. All these promises that you keep in the deepest corner of your mind so you won't just disappear into darkness, all these "it's-gonna-be-okay".
It's meaningless, it's just unimportant and meaningless.
I realized that it's not gonna be okay long ago, that there is no hope. I'm standing in the middle of my life's darkness and from day to day it makes me fall to pieces a bit more.  These mornings when you can't get out of your bed because deep inside yourself you're hoping that you won't wake up, that there will be no morning and than there is this following moment when you realize that the day already began and you know that it's gonna be hard to survive it at all. These are the moments that are so fucking hard to bear.
My strengths are leaving me. My friends are already gone since a long time.
What am I waiting for? What am I bearing these days for?
I am full of self-hate and disgust, it's tearing me apart.
I can't cope with this life anymore, I can't stand it anymore and I am left alone with my despair. There is nobody left, there has never been anybody. I can't keep up the facade anymore, I can't. They always used to admire me, back then. Now they look after me, see these broken glances. Yes, I am broken. This life broke me. Broken by pain and the desperate search for hope.
But there just will be no hope and I have to cope with it. I have to assume and accept it.
There won't be hope for me in this life.
These thoughts sadden me, push me against the wall and they won't let me go. I don't know what to do anymore, I tried so much but it just never worked out for me.
I am looking for the way out, I run and run until I nearly pass out, until I can't breathe no more but yet I am standing in front of a big wall and there is no way to pass it. Except of if I would break through the wall, destroy it. But I feel that I am ways too weak to break it.
It's massive and it's so much taller than me. I can't break through it without any help.
I would love to fight my inner demons, I want to finally get them out of my head. But they won't go away, they just won't.
I want to be normal, I wan't to live a normal life. I want to go out like anybody else, eat, swim, wear whatever I want. I don't want to stand in front of the mirror for an hour before even leaving the house just to go for a walk with my dog. I want to go out with friends, go for dinner, go to the beach, take a bath in the ocean. I want to fucking live and not just exist.
But in the end all these thoughts and considerations are like running around a deep hole.
I run around this hole, over and over again, always moving in a circle, but I know that it will only stop if I finally jump into it.

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