Do you ever just get mad because you're spending your only teenage years feeling like you want to jump off a cliff while other people are having the time of their lives and being in love and just being good at things and you're just kind of...there.
I do. And it makes me cry. Every time I think about it, it makes me feel like the biggest loser on earth. It makes me cry because I think about all the lost time, the time I will never get back but which I wasted on being stuck in my illness and sick thoughts.
I really want to get better, but it frightens me, the thought of being normal, of having all these commitments again, the thought of my life moving on... What if I won't be able to live this new life? What if my new life will be moving too fast, if I can't keep up with it?
I am afraid of the change. But I am afraid of my present state of life, too.
So what to choose?
This picture explains my feelings so good. Running away from the dark, out of the dark, it seems to follow you, but you can still see light. At least if you're fast enough, faster than the shutting down lights. If you are fast enough, you might get into bright rooms, full of light, fresh air, vitality. But if you're too slow, you will have to stick with the darkness. And even the thought of this frightens me so much that it makes me wanna cry.
This shit is totally messing up with my mind. I don't know what to do, think, say or where to go anymore.